Courage

Grief

2009-08-16T18:38:00.001-07:00

I have been wrestling with a corner of my mind for years, at least four now but maybe more, and the knowledge contained within proved dastardly and fiendishly difficult to comprehend. I would catch glimpses of it, you see, when meditating or writing and I prayed for wisdom and guidance on a host of related issues without recognizing the connection to this stubborn mental thorn. This mind motivator tinged many of my thoughts and behaviors these last years so subtly and thoroughly that I didn’t recognize the expression or difference.

In 2 Corinthians, 12:7-10 St. Paul says,

Therefore, that I might not become too elated, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated.
Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.
Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

I failed to see this thorn in my side until recently. My mind had been dwelling on people from my past and the new future opening ahead and I realized that I have let my grief for the loss of two people I loved color almost all I’ve done since they passed away.

Sure I had expressed that grief, I had given way to sadness, but I had never gained the perspective I needed to take their loss and transform it into a lesson on life and love and how to better live my life. Instead I clung to visions of the past and who they were to me, not who they are to me. I was incapable of thinking about them in the present tense because I harbored confusion and fear and regret and despair in this balled up corner of my mind.

An impenetrable sphere, this tiny pea rotted in my brain until their memory poisoned me and my outlook on daily activities. I didn’t even sense the wilting and decay of their memory it happened so slowly, but now I see that by freezing them in the past they turned my present cold and lonely. I can’t bring them back, but I can let them live on, vibrant and full of color, in my life today.

Two songs helped me bridge this gap, along with the reading from St. Paul and the love and beauty of my new daughter. The songs are below. Also, if any of you want access to the pictures of my daughter, just send me an email or let me know in the comments. I’ll give you access to her snapfish account – I figure this way I can control who sees what of her online at this young stage of her life.
How to Save a Life – The Fray

Lyrics:
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

A Long December – Counting Crows

Lyrics:
A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should

Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should

Fantastic News

2009-08-10T10:43:00.001-07:00

I know that I’ve been gone for some time but the last few weeks have been particularly challenging in very good ways. First, my time at home with Madison is rapidly coming to an end and I try to spend as much time with her as possible, which of course negates my ability to meditate/write on Courage. In just a few weeks Madison will be headed off to school at a fabulous day care that meets this educator’s demanding and unfortunately knowledgeable requirements. The fact that I have to now open a sweat shop full of illegal immigrants to make cheap clothing that I then sell to Wal-Mart in order to afford this school is irrelevant – anything for the baby!

Second, I am pleased to announce that I have a job! I have kept quiet about this for a week or so (a little more from the initial ‘offer’ from the Assistant Superintendent, but only a week from the date of the actual approval by the school board) to rest and relax and take in some much needed success and ego-stroking.
Let me say though, right off, thank you to everyone that has given words of encouragement, prayers, positive thoughts and otherwise kept me from banging my head against the wall. You all played instrumental roles in keeping me motivated to find a position. I’ll be teaching 9th grade civics at a school district in rural York County. This school has the nicest staff and administrators of all I interviewed with and I feel lucky to be a part of their team. They make tremendous progress and do so very much for the children on a rather limited budget (note the rural).

Part of this last week saw me spending two days on a high ropes and low ropes adventure course working with the incoming 9th graders in their transition program from middle to high school. I had a great time meeting staff and students alike and enjoyed floundering in a harness 100 feet off the ground in front of my future charges and colleagues! Don’t ask me about the bruises on both biceps, my hips, legs and bum, and don’t inquire about the many blisters on my hands!

So, all in all, things are looking up! Now it is just a matter of balancing Madison, preparation for school, and other requirements. I shall start commenting on your blogs soon!

Technorati Tags: Courage,life updates

I will bury you….

2009-07-10T20:52:00.001-07:00

The princess felt the pea through countless mattresses, the Great Wall and the Pyramids reached heights unforeseen on the broken backs of slave labor, but a princess she remained and mighty they still are so does the curse of what lies beneath forever haunt what remains in sight?

Is the princess no less royal for her super-sensitive back and silliness, or the feats of ancient civilizations any less inspired and magnificent because untold numbers died unwillingly in their creation?

I write about the past, fleeting moments made real only by memory, and others read my tales and stories about baggage and trauma and regret and scarred lives, and they reach out impulsively with sorrowful souls for some kind of emotional connection, but why?

Am I less perfect, less human, in need of more or different mattresses because of what I share? Is my coming into this creation and being present today any less grand because I arrive at the now through a terrible series of moments in my past?

At what point, then, do we forgive ourselves and others for the sins of yesterday(s) and permit them and ourselves to live out the shared miracles of our lives?

If we say, ‘He got what he deserved’ or ‘what she did was unforgiveable’ then do we say the same about ourselves by default?

As I approach next week’s interview I return to my past and the choices I made and those made for me by others and I see now that they matter, and yet that they are irrelevant also. I am now and here, not there and then, and never will I be again at the same point in time in precisely the same way, so I remember the past but only that – I choose to be here not in spite of my past, or because of it, but because I simply am….here. Now.

Related media that inspired this reflection:

Come out come out
No use in hiding
Come now come now
Can you not see?
There's no place here
What were you expecting
Not room for both
Just room for me
So you will lay your arms down
Yes I will call this home

Away away
You have been banished
Your land is gone
And given me
And here I will spread my wings
Yes I will call this home

What's this you say
You feel a right to remain
Then stay and I will bury you
What's that you say
Your father's spirit still lives in this place
I will silence you

Here's the hitch
Your horse is leaving
Don't miss your boat
It's leaving now
And as you go I will spread my wings
Yes I will call this home

I have no time to justify to you
Fool you're blind, move aside for me
All I can say to you my new neighbor
Is you must move on or I will bury you

Now as I rest my feet by this fire
Those hands once warmed here
I have retired them
I can breathe my own air
I can sleep more soundly
Upon these poor souls
I'll build heaven and call it home
'Cause you're all dead now

I live with my justice
I live with my greedy need
I live with no mercy
I live with my frenzied feeding
I live with my hatred
I live with my jealousy
I live with the notion
That I don't need anyone but me

Don't drink the water
Don't drink the water
There's blood in the water
Don't drink the water

Technorati Tags: Courage,reflection,inspiration

Life update

2009-07-07T05:11:00.001-07:00

It’s been some time since I’ve posted, not out of an intent to ignore my readers (what few must remain!) or this journal, but only because I’ve been both busy and feeling a tad vulnerable.

The past month has seen my daughter baptized (and what a fiasco the was having so many people over – the gifts she received just about covered the cost of tossing a weekend long party for twenty people), my job transitioning to the west coast, without me, and then of course the whole falling down the stairs, laid up, physical therapy thing (maybe a week left of that?).

Toss in a job search in the middle of the worst recession since the Great Depression and the stress has been interesting.

It’s not that I’m feeling over-burdened (I’m not), but more scared that there is some other celestial boot anticipating my next move and gleefully preparing to clobber me about the head. Fear? Quite probably. Self-doubt? There is some present. I think though that my lack of writing really comes down to feeling vulnerable.

When I write I open my heart and mind to try and create powerful words that have meaning and impact, purpose and resonance, and accessing those parts of my mind and soul can sometimes be dangerous. I don’t always like laying everything out here for people to see, and while that was the whole point of starting Courage I am feeling reluctant to do so now. Maybe it’s the whole primal John Wayne-father syndrome (MUST BE STRONG FOR FAMILY, GROK!), I don’t know, but this entry is a step in confronting it.

And no, this wasn’t a planned entry, and I didn’t proof read – stream of consciousness, baby! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, as Ric Flair says!

Technorati Tags: Courage,reflection

High Hopes

2009-06-18T13:23:00.001-07:00

What motivates us to trod the same road so many times, or even more central to the question, why do we think a different approach or a change in life situation will lead us to a new and improved solution to our problems?
Unless we embrace true conversion of heart how we move forward, why we move forward (should we move forward) means little in that we covertly desire a return to what we know and what is familiar.
Pathways to the familiar are too easy to find if we don’t struggle to re-evaluate why we want to reach a particular destination and what we hope to achieve by arriving in a worn out state.
I’m reminded of the video High Hopes by Pink Floyd. Video and links below.

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun
Along the long road and on down to the causeway
Do they still LIVE there by the cut
There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder
Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed up world
****
Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river
Forever and ever

Technorati Tags: inspiration,courage,meditation

One of these days, Alice……

2009-06-17T06:38:00.001-07:00

It’s been some time since I’ve updated, so forgive the brevity of this morning’s post.
First, though, I wonder – why is it that I have a compulsive need to shake any beverage that comes in a 1/2 gallon container before I pour? Example – I don’t shake 1 gallon containers of milk before I pour, so why shake the 1/2 gallon?
Second, my back has kept me distracted these last few weeks, enough that I’ve not had much energy to reflect daily and pour those words onto page. It’s not terribly painful day-in and day-out (though there are days and times throughout most days where it’s a 7 or 8 on the pain scale) , but it’s just draining enough that I’m exhausted by the end of the day and too eager to pack it in and get sleep rather than reflect on a reading or passage or meditation.
I call my back a distraction because the majority of my time has been with Madison, which is such a glorious and unrivaled gift. I spent most of last week recovering from her Baptism the previous weekend, and the previous week preparing for said sacrament and the great influx of family and friends into town.
The benefit of big life events when you live a good ways away from everyone? Friends and family feel obligated to make the trip because they see you too infrequently as it is. The trial of big life events when you live a good ways away from everyone? They expect a LOT and eat you out of house and home, thinking (rightly in most cases!) that traveling so far justifies entertainment. Besides, they are there for a three month old, not my wife and me!
Third, the job search is time consuming. There are 501 school districts in Pennsylvania and many are a bit byzantine in how they approach the application process, so it can be trying to identify openings and prepare the required credentials packets. Not to mention that there really isn’t a central online repository for a digital database – there are several and many districts use one or another exclusively. It’s a trial.
I’ve had a few nibbles on the job search front, but getting back into the classroom is difficult. Most districts take new teachers, not ones that are veterans and have moved around in the field for various reasons, so their application process is geared toward the younger unseasoned crowd. I’ll find something, though – just have to keep plugging away!
So I hope you’re well, everyone, and as I get a bit more time and a bit more energy (or better figure out how to manage the energy I have) I’ll keep posting.
And I guess this wasn’t so short a post after all!

Technorati Tags: courage,life,job search

University Politics…

2009-05-30T12:09:00.001-07:00

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Henry Kissinger
US (German-born) diplomat & scholar (1923 - )

Quote Details: Henry Kissinger: University politics are vicious... - The Quotations Page

I subscribe to a quote of the day via Google Reader and this one resonates with me deeply.

The institution I work for is breaching contract with a partner entity and shutting down our entire office. We serve ten thousand or so children, teachers, and parents across the country, providing them with real school improvement and a different way to teach and learn that focuses on the emotional as well as the intellectual.

Yet, that is not noble enough a reason to continue our program through 2010, as agreed upon in contract, but rather due to a whole slew of poor decisions, bad planning, and complete lack of will and effort on the part of some, our hard work comes to an end in 30 or so days.

Why? The program has been labeled as ‘not central to the college’s mission’ and that it would be fiscally ‘irresponsible’ to support such a program in these economic times.

And so we are cast into the breeze and free to flit about aimlessly, the collateral damage of recession, lack of vision, and poor planning.

What irks me is that this is clearly a financial decision. Solely a financial decision I would be willing to bet, particularly given that our office’s goal is to bring the liberal arts mentality into the K-12 school system, something that is directly aligned with the mission of a small liberal arts college.

And the reason for the quote, you ask? The politics and sideways glances surrounding this botched and butchered transition reek of closed door meetings, fear, and a focus on what has always been done, not what could and should be done in the future.

/rant

Technorati Tags: education,courage

Health Update

2009-05-23T08:20:00.001-07:00

Hi all; after a particularly lousy night’s sleep Thursday I succumbed to my wife’s urgings and went to the doctor. I’ll get to that fun time in a moment. I have a wicked awesome lumbar sprain and a cocktail of drugs to treat said sprain that is strong enough to sedate Mine That Bird.

A muscle relaxer to curb the spasms that I had from my bum to my head (which was a particularly weird sensation), vicodin for the pain, and prescription strength ibuprofen as an anti-inflammatory.

I also had the fun of nine x-rays and scheduling 21 physical therapy appointments. AWESOME!!!

What does all this mean, loyal readers? Why, that when I do post entries I’m likely to spell every other word wrong and generally ramble on and on and on without getting to any substantial point. It’s not my fault, though – it’s the pills!

As for the Doctor, there I am, sitting in the examination room with him and he asks me what I have been doing to manage my pain thus far. I decided to be honest and tell him I’d been popping motrin like they were skittles (taste the rainbow) – and his response? He scolds me for taking more than I should have been taking. Did I need a scolding? Not right then I didn’t. Maybe he missed the tears in my eyes caused by all the pain, or how shallow my breath was because the muscles around my lungs were tightening up into my back, or maybe he overlooked how I couldn’t even stand or sit properly without grimacing.

Granted, he may have been having a bad day, but how about a little empathy pal – do you *really* think I wanted to fall down the stairs with my two month old child? Or how about this doozy – he asked me, ‘so just how many stairs did you fall down?’

Oh, right – so sorry, Doctor, I guess I failed to count them on the way down WHILE HOLDING MY CHILD TO PROTECT HER AS BEST I COULD! So I gave what I thought was a good approximation – 15 to 20, whatever is between one floor and the next.

And he retorts with, ‘There are usually only 13 steps per floor.’ If you KNOW that already, just put that down, dammit! Get to writing the prescription so I can maybe wipe my bunghole without groaning all the while!

Yarb!

So, from sunny Pennsylvania, I and my new best friend, Mr. Heating Pad, wish you nothing but good fortune!

Technorati Tags: Courage,blogging

Quick update

2009-05-21T07:31:00.001-07:00

I’m not ignoring this blog – forgive me for not writing this last week. I’ve been busy making the transition from a last week of busy busy work and four weeks of parental leave. I am trying to get as much time in with Madison as I can before they lay me off at the end of June. So, long story short, most of everything I had to accomplish by the end of June had to be finished by last Friday.

Add to that a nasty fall down the stairs here at home and the resulting aches, pains, bruises, and sore ego, and I’ve been more prone to pill popping than blogging; Motrin is my friend.

I’ll be back as soon as Madison and I figure out a schedule together and I master the best time to write on here without missing stuff around the house or with the little Peach (what my wife and I have taken to calling her). Well, we also call her Peachkins Jones, which is a pseudo Psych reference (the TV show on USA). If you watch Psych you’ll know that James Roday’s character, Shawn, always introduces his partner, Gus, played by the super versatile Dule Hill, with wacky aliases like, Ovaltine Jenkins, Lavender Gooms, Schmuel Cohen, Longbranch Pennywhistle, Scrooge Jones, and so on. As great fans of the show, Madison somehow became Peachkins Jones.

Anyhoo, I’m off to go make nice to the Motrin. Ciao for now.

Technorati Tags: Courage,blogging

The small scroll

2009-05-12T10:11:00.001-07:00

I found this in Revelation, 10:9 today:

‘So I went up to the angel and told him to give me the small scroll. He said to me, ‘Take and swallow it. it will turn your stomach sour, but in your mouth it will taste as sweet as honey.’

NOTE: This is a very early sketch at meditation on this subject, so by no means consider this my final view on the subject (I just read the passage over lunch a few minutes ago so this is very much a free-write)

Exegesis tells us that the scroll was bitter sweet because although God’s victory was near at hand, the suffering of his people would be a bitter and trying affair.

Why is that? At what point should we quit resisting suffering and embrace it as a gift? Doesn’t humility require we make that choice? If we accept suffering as inevitable, if we appreciate the opportunities proffered us by the unfair, unjust, abusive, are we more in tune with what it means to be a good person, to live out truth?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as guilty as the next person who gets frustrated and upset and worn down and plain old tired with suffering when it comes my way, but I wonder if that’s my doing, or suffering’s fault?

If a river’s current is carrying me inexorably away, why waste all my energy fighting it? That’s not to say that I lose hope of survival or redemption or justice, but rather that I use my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual strength to maintain hope in the future; that something better is coming.

I suppose some people view swimming against the current as that something better? That as long as they resist they are not conquered by suffering? Some sort of spiritual, ‘it’s better to die standing up than live a lifetime on your knees’ mentality?

At what point does that become prideful, though, the ceaseless battle against your suffering?

I suppose resignation to our fate is a bitter pill in some ways, but does it have to be such a trial? I feel like there’s something more, something missing from the concept that suffering must be bitter by its nature.

Your thoughts?

What makes me happy, redux?

2009-05-11T07:36:00.001-07:00

Technorati Tags: Courage,motivation,blogthings

A brief update: Sorry for the delay in posting - I've been busy trying to get a personal web pageup and running to use as an online portfolio (allllmost there) and I've been meeting and gathering application materials for a return to the classroom. Ah, the delightful days of job searching. Yayrecession!

Anyhoo

So, a few intrepid readers asked me what I need to be happy. Sneaky sneaky readers, using myblogthings against me, I'll getses them, my precious!!!!

According to blogthings, I need friends; that I feel lost and not quite right when not surrounded by others.

I do and I don't agree with that generalization. I need friends, it's true, and having gone through the last five or so years with a smaller than average (for me) entourage I have felt at times a little needy, maybe a little isolated. My wife and I needed that time, though. I was dealing with a bunch of things (I still am, but have a better handle on how to deal with them) and she and I worked hard on our marriage, which needed our attention.

The rewards have been great on both fronts - a healthier marriage, a brand-spanking new 8 week old daughter (our first), and greatly improved mental and emotional well-being. And, as she and I have had successes we are beginning to stretch our wings again and find some friends that match our life stage.

So, yes, blogthings was right, sort of, but it was wrong as well. As to what does make me happy - baseball, a well cooked prime rib smothered in au jus, fresh green beans, steamed broccoli, the sweat from a good day working outside, letting loose my uberdork and gaming to no end, kisses from my wife, my daughter's fart-induced smiles, spiritual enlightenment, writing, reading, speaking in fake foreign accents, movies, WWE wrestling (619!!!!!!!!), snuggling with two cats and an afghan crocheted by my Nana, random naps on the couch, bubble baths, the smell of freshly ground coffee beans, the caffeine buzz from said coffee beans, and the smell of a crisp summer night.

What about you? What makes you happy?

What do you need to be happy?

2009-05-06T09:42:00.001-07:00

You Need Friends to Be Happy

You are a friendly, social person. You seek out connections and relationships.
Being close to others is very important to you, and you don't like discord.

You feel great when you're cooperating and working with others. You enjoy belonging to a group.
Nothing makes you feel worse that feeling alone or alienated. You want to be liked by those around you.

What Do You Need to Be Happy?

Rain’s plea ~ draft

2009-05-05T08:46:00.001-07:00

Technorati Tags: poetry,motivation,inspiration, Courage

Luscious wet earth smelling of

wild onion, new grass and loamy hope,

invigorate me and chase away

the fog and clouds and draining rain,

soaking days and souls and minds.

Educational Philosophy

2009-05-04T20:45:00.001-07:00

I’ve been banging out a new version of my educational philosophy in preparation for interviews and any potential consulting gigs. For the uninitiated, an educator should be able to concisely and concretely summarize what they believe is most important in teaching and learning. Their statement should be theory based and reference classroom practices.

It can be expanded upon in detail in other sections of a professional’s portfolio, but this is the meat, the center of what you do in the classroom. It should be only the best stuff; all the fat trimmed from the meat.

I’d like some feedback from you, if you don’t mind offering it. I’ll paste the first draft of mine below and if you’d offer suggestions and critiques in the comments it would be much appreciated. As a reward, I’ll insert a surreal clip from Pink Floyd’s The Wall, where Pink is reminded of his father’s death, mocked for writing poetry, and then fantasizes about how educational institutions destroy the souls and minds of children, by design.

~~~~~~~~

Social studies classrooms are supremely situated to study culture, society, history, its leaders and peoples, and the controversial moments of time. As a social studies educator it is my duty to help students ethically and morally apply the lessons of the past to the challenges of today, empowering them to participate fully in America’s democratic society.

As such, I believe:

Ø In critical pedagogy

- that as a participant in the democratic process I am a teacher as learner and my students are learners as teachers, necessitating student centered instruction, assessment, and classroom management

- that schools are not neutral environments, but subject to political and social pressures and expectations, so I must help students gain critical consciousness about the impact on society of their, and others’, decisions

Ø In the inherent, individual nature of each student

- that learning requires assent, desire, action; it is characterized by discovery and surprise (Ayers, 6)

- that differentiated instruction and aligned assessment is the best way to meet not simply academic needs, but the specific needs, demands, hopes, desires, and potential of my students (Ayers, 2)

- that there is no substitute for authentic instruction and assessment to meet the varied learning styles and intelligences of each student

- that arts-based integration motivates students and increases comprehension and understanding regardless of cultural or economic background

Ø In the power of reflection to improve teaching and learning opportunities

- that reflection allows everyone to consciously choose who they are becoming, whether a teacher or a learner

- that the time to take control of my instruction, and my students of their learning, is now; that our growth and development is in our hands

- that I need reflection to best inform and guide my theory based practice

~~~~~~~~

What is courage?

2009-04-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I stumble upon entries from other blogs, or words of wisdom shared in conversation, or inspiration from some other source, that help me define what courage is.

If you go back through the years of entries in this blog (and if you're ambitious its 3,000 + comments) you'll see I try to define courage often, inspire it in others, reflect on it, increase it in my daily practice, and otherwise search for a greater meaning behind the word.

I have some inklings in my brain as to why I am fascinated with this word and its meaning (though I've never been brave enough to definitively state my motivations) but I did find a passage the other night in 1 John, 5:18 that struck me with its clarity and purpose.

So if our question is 'what is courage?,' here is John's response:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.

What is courage then? Perfect love.

What a brilliantly phrased definition. I am fascinated by the implications for how we love as humans if you reflect on the idea of perfect love. Are we talking about agape? Eros? A form of Philia? Storge? In all these ways of loving a perfect love can exist, without fear of punishment, free to soar with the greatest intentions and celebrate the highest values, creating in all those it touches true courage to live a bold life of peace and harmony.

When we say with sincerity, 'I wish for peace,' or 'I'll think of you often,' or 'I'll pray for you,' are we truly saying, 'I love you?'

In this sense, courage has little to do with actual fear. The idea that courage is not the absence of fear but doing the right thing even when afraid is perhaps better understood as a measure of conviction, not courage? For if we possess the greatest conviction in a scenario where others may feel fear, then we will not fear. In that instance it remains possible for us to love perfectly. If our conviction falters some so that fear creeps into our hearts and doubt into our minds, then even if we do our duty or perform our task, we do so without full conviction, but rather with enough conviction. And so while in that moment we may be capable of love, we are not capable of perfect love.

Share your thoughts or ideas, please!

Art the power

2009-04-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

Found this blog post via meta filter; talks about how city artists took over billboards and instead of subjecting us all to advertising for a day we got art instead.

This is the kind of illegal activity that I can support.

In the field

2009-04-27T09:15:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite films is Legend of Bagger Vance, and I just left a comment over on Indigo's blog where she talks about how she's celebrating her five year's of sobriety. The memories and thoughts she brought to bear led me to a reflection about what we all look to for inspiration when fighting off feelings of sadness, desperation, or madness.

One of the things I do is watch films that speak to me in certain way. In this case, Legend of Bagger Vance reminds me that harmony and peacefulness in our souls can be found in the pleasure and joy of daily life and the natural world around us - it's only when we attempt to let ourselves become a part of everything that we become anything.

Here's one of my favorite clips from the movie that I'd like to share with you! In this part of the film Damon's character, Rannulph Junnah, is struggling to come to terms with his life in a way that makes sense to him, that explains why what happened to him has changed him forever. His caddy, played by Will Smith (Bagger Vance), is telling him about 'the field', that place where you are synchronized with all of the world around you and your working mind stops and ascends to an enlightened moment where you see how you can contribute to the glory of nature, life, and the spirit.

Have you had such moments? What allows you to find them? For me, I have found them in sports, truly, and in practicing my faith, but also in meditation and in the rhythm of certain activities like fishing - Rebecca Anne, I'm looking at you - and sometimes I find them unexpectedly as a day dream is intruded upon by a warm spring breeze that steals my mind away and leaves me sitting in sheer rapture and joy!

What vitamin are you?

2009-04-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Some light fare today - a long day so I've not had much time to devote to reflection or meditation.

As a result - blogthings:

You Are Vitamin D

You're a naturally strong person. You've always had a lot of endurance.
You can survive what would make most people crumble. You have both mental and physical strength.

You don't do a lot to stay healthy - you just live a pretty natural lifestyle.
You stay away from processed junk, sleep like a baby, and get plenty of sunshine!

What Vitamin Are You?

They don't love you like I love you

2009-04-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

Another favorite of mine (and one of my wife's, too, I should add!) that I found an embed for.

I love the desperation in this song, the quiet plea that is at the same time a rehearsed act. Does she mean it, or doesn't she? Would Maps be better off moving on and leaving her, is he strong enough to leave?

Pack up;
I’m straight;
Enough;
Oh say, say, say;
Oh say, say, say;
Oh say, say, say;
Oh say, say, say;
Oh say, say, say

Wait, they don’t love you like I love you; wait, they don’t love you like I love you;
Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aps;
Wait! They don’t love you like I love you.....

Lay off;
Don’t stray;
Well, my kind's,your kind;
I’ll stay the same!
Pack up;
Don’t stray;
Oh say, say, say;
Oh say, say, say!

Wait! They don’t love you like I love you;
wait! They don’t love you like I love you;
Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aps;
Wait! They don’t love you like I love you!
wait! They don’t love you like I love you!
Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aps!
Wait! They don’t love you like I love you …
(guitar solo)
Wait! They don’t love you like I love you;
And wait! They don’t love you like I love you;
Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aps;
Wait! They don’t love you like I love you!
And wait! They don’t love you like I love you!
Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aps!
Wait! They don’t love you like I love you …

Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Rationale

2009-04-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking on my entry on fear from the other day and then on this snippet from Psalm 140 - 'Deliver me, Lord, from the wicked; preserve me from the violent, from those who plan evil in their hearts, who stir up conflicts every day, who sharpen their tongues like serpents, venom of asps upon their lips.' - and I hate how closely connected the two are in behavior.

Maybe I'm getting a little too Yoda on myself (see the video clip below if you have no idea what I'm talking about) but all too often fears are used to provoke and stir up hate, to create conflict from peace, and to poison our minds and behaviors.

Whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, one thing you can say about the words and speeches of our new president is that he has cast off the language and rhetoric of fear and hate in favor of something filled with reason and hope. I find strength in the fact that every time I listen to our leaders now I need not steel myself against words designed to manipulate insecurities and rational thinking. It's refreshing to look forward to a speech by a national leader because our message is no longer about dividing us and them, but community and purpose and inspiration.

Whether you agree with the politics or not, whether you think it candy coated hogwash or real inspiration, you cannot deny that no longer are we subject to the words of fear and conflict, and that gives me comfort.

What is it about us though, I wonder, that lets others get away with fear and hate mongering? Free speech is not what I'm debating here, but a lack of persistence and strength in resisting the use of fear and terror as an assault on hope and reason. I am sure we all know someone that spews bile every time they talk, that ferments hatred and drinks it in with drunken glee, and revels in the discord they cause with their putrescent words; let's take a stand the next time we see it, or hear it, and put reason and hope to the test - I'm willing to bet they will win out in the end if we stick to our principles.

Out of fear

2009-04-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

I've written a few lines today that have all revolved around the 'why' of my actions - why I do what I do, what I think, etc., and I think I've found something to meditate on later today; why does acting out of fear so often lead to behaving wrongly?

It's a line from Nehemiah 7, where the question is why do we act out of fear to sin? Whether you believe in sin or not, fear drives us to do so many foolish things and if you've been a reader of my blog you know that fear is an emotion that I've long tried to understand, think on, and write about.

Why do you fear? How does your fear express itself? What is it that you fear - and I don't mean spiders, or snakes, but what about them do you truly fear? A phobia is like fear, but different, that's why I make that distinction....

Someone spray me with a hose!

2009-04-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

I am on FIREEEEE!

Your Spicy Score: HOT!

You're confident, sexy, and not afraid to go for it. Life is for living.

You love being the center of attention, and you'll do anything to stay in the spotlight.

You have no inhibitions. You're comfortable in your own skin, even when you have no clothes on!

You're out for a good time, simple as that. You can't help it if other people get burned.

How Spicy Are You?

Charity

2009-04-22T09:45:00.001-07:00

I just finished up a couple of chapters in Deuteronomy looking for some meditation inspiration for later on and I think what struck me most is this idea of charity. If you are familiar with that book of the Bible, you'll know it's full of community and religious laws regarding cleanliness (ritual and otherwise) and right behavior, but charity is one of the underlying values present in almost every dictum.

In these tough times of recession and fear and bankruptcy it is nice to see charity surviving.

How have I been charitable today? Financial? Physical? Mental? Spiritual? Emotional?

The Animal I have Become

2009-04-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

This just poppped along my Pandora channel, enjoyed it truly. It reminds me of those times I let my anger take me regardless of how I've tried to fight.

Animal I Have Become lyrics
Songwriters: Stock, Barry; Brown, Gavin; Gontier, Adam; Sanderson, Neil; Walst, Brad;
I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal, this animal

I can't escape myself
So many times I've lied
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal I have become

© BLAST THE SCENE PUBLISHING; EMI APRIL MUSIC CANADA LTD; EMI BLACKWOOD MUSIC CANADA LTD; NOODLES FOR EVERYONE;

Bonus video by the same artist: I hate everything about you.

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven�t missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don�t miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven�t missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

How boring are you?

2009-04-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

You Live an Exciting Life

You are anything but a bore. You make sure that life is full of excitement.

You have an adventurous spirit, and you don't like to sit still for too long.

If you feel like doing something, you don't think about it. You just do it.

There's no way you could ever live a boring life. There's too much to do and not enough time.

Is Your Life Boring?

Havoc part 2

2009-04-21T07:31:00.000-07:00

Thank you to those that left comments regarding their beliefs on fate and future. Last night while meditating on the meaning of the two phrases my mind centered on a shared point: that justice will out. Regardless of the nature of what confronts us, what challenges us, attacks us, maybe even defeats us, justice will come if we stay true to right ideas and right morals and values.

I don't know that I'm putting forward some idea of 'what goes around comes around,' but rather that justice centers upon not what happens to those that persecute, but how we handle ourselves when faced with injustice. If we remain faithful to our just values and beliefs the persecution we face is in name only and injustice exists only in the corporeal.

Justice remains with us in mind and spirit if we have the strength to persevere.

Cry havoc!

2009-04-20T06:36:00.000-07:00

'Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, that these foul deeds might stink above the earth with carrion men groaning for burial.' ~ Julius Caesar, Act III, Scene 1.

I've had this sentence stuck in my craw for some days now and I've been gnawing on it diligently, with tired determination, pondering its stubbornness.

True, I saw it at first for only a moment as it flashed across my screen, but since it's taken up unpleasant residence in my mind and mouth, bitter and chewy, like so much lemon rind ground to a mealy paste and slathered over my gums.

An irritant of the highest order, second only to George W.B., but its message remains elusive no matter how long my mouth and mind work it over.

It resonated all the more when I read this passage from Acts 20 today:

'I know that after my departure savage wolves will come among you, and they will not spare the flock.'

Some sort of fear, perhaps? Regret? An omen? A portent of darker days? Some sort of hiraedd? I don't know, but wish I did.

I don't necessarily believe in fate, but rather something closer to wyrd (pronounced 'weird'). It's an old Anglo-Saxon concept that has reflections in the Catholic understanding of time and God. Concepts like wyrd helped create understanding of a linear perspective of time, even though true wyrd is more like a web than a line.

Think about it like this: If wyrd is like a spider web, there are may parts, and although a fly lands on one small sub sect of the web, its actions vibrate and impact the entire web's existence, telling the spider that dinner has (maybe) arrived. The fly is not doomed, not yet. Certainly, its wyrd is grim (chances are it's a goner) but still, the fate of the spider and the fly depend on how well the insects react, move, interpret sensory data and so on. Wyrd is the web of our lives, the situations we find ourselves in, the choices we have to make, the past influencing us here in the present, and how what we do influences the future.

Wyrd is like one of those Celtic drawings you see of interlaced knots that are really only one strand wound irrevocably round itself. If you imagine your life like one of those drawings, a giant road that you walk on, then whenever we come to a knot in the pattern (a fork in the road, a choice in the present) we have the chance to impact the direction we travel and perhaps even untangle the knot (make straight the path) to ease our travel. So, the next time we come to a similar situation (crossroads in our life) or find ourselves right back where we started, we'll have an easier time figuring out which way to go and perhaps even accepting the outcome of our decisions.

So, wyrd is a concept that means while what will happen to us in the end is known (after all, the web is a predetermined shape), how we get there is of our own making. We can face our situations how we choose, with what values and beliefs and character we possess, and make the best of every opportunity.

Maybe these messages, from Caesar and Acts, are meditations on how well we confront adversity? One the avenger of the betrayed (Antony spoke the lines), the other with courage enough to leave the flock with the weapons he provided, trusting them to fight off the wolves (Paul was speaking to his disciples for the last time before leaving Asia for Jerusalem)? Maybe it is a meditation on how good must always struggle, or that even those with the best intentions may be led astray?

What are your thoughts?

Persevere

2009-04-17T07:34:00.000-07:00

It was a long afternoon yesterday. My boss placed a very tight deadline on me, reacting himself to pressure placed by another. I confess irritation and perhaps a snarky tone of voice, but I did not (fully) lash out. ;)

Still, I toiled here until 8:00 p.m. and then went home to help my wife with our baby. I felt spent, wasted, and frustrated with my day, my performance, and even my state of mind. While miserable then, I am pleased that the sight of my daughter melted that distaste into a puddle of sappy love, cooing, and smooches.

She taught me a simple lesson last night. She said, 'Dad, listen man, you know how it is; if there's something that you know is right, something that you know you've got to do, then you've got to stick with it. Sure it's gonna suck, it's gonna be hard, and it might even just piss off a few people, but what's the point if you can't be proud of persisting when challenged?' And she said all that with her eyes and a little half smile brought on by a wicked fart.

I'm glad she said it - I needed to hear it. Perseverance is so hard when mired down in the ick of daily grinds. Her message is the first thing that popped into my head when I read this passage today:

Malachi, 3: 20-21
But for you who fear my name, there will arise
the sun of justice with its healing rays;
And you will gambol like calves out of the stall
And tread down the wicked;
They will become ashes under the soles of your feet,
on the day I take action, says the Lord of hosts.

Old Testament fire and brimstone aside, I think the message here is really about persevering in the face of opposition. If we're true to ourselves, true to our loved ones, true to our values, then in the end we will bask in the sun of justice's healing rays. We need live up to only our own measure every day, and if we are people of faith, then perhaps the measure of our God or Goddess as well, but ultimately if we can't sleep at night it's no body's fault but our own.

Return to the now

2009-04-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

With my impending lay off on June 30, the transition of the LBC to an entity on the other side of the country, and my now 1 month old baby going through the fussiness of a growth spurt, I am reminded of just how much I need reminding that it is only the 'now' that is most important.

I am terrible at remaining in the moment during times of stress; my mind works overtime and attempts to calculate the odds of every possible scenario for every task that I must complete, that I'm currently working on, and even those not yet (but maybe!) assigned to me. This kind of thinking serves no real purpose as the situation is rarely ever that imagined and often the opposite!

Even on days like today, when the college's finance office demands a product, my Director demands a product, and the person who the entire operation is transitioning to demands products all by the end of the day, or no later than tomorrow, I have to remember that the most I can do is a deliberate and determined focus on the now; to do my best work this moment, to turn out work that is complete and of high quality.

Frustrations aside, and there are many regarding who sets priorities, knowing who I actually serve, and the complete ignoring of where my own job responsibilities fall into this transition, clinging to my integrity and turning out the best possible work and maintaining a positive attitude is paramount.

Ecclesiastes 11: 9-10 is a nice place to start a meditation on this lesson:

Rejoice, O young man, while you are young,
and let your heart be glad in the days of your youth.
Follow the ways of your heart, the vision of your eyes;
Yet understand that as regards all this God will bring you to judgment.
Ward off grief from your heart and put away trouble from your presence,
though the dawn of youth is fleeting.

Some might see this passage as a doom and gloom judgment is nigh message, but rather I take it as encouragement to live right now, in the moment, to not lament or worry about that which will come, how it will come, and certainly not to fear that which I don't fully know or understand. Instead, as I put forth my best efforts here in the now, I just have to remember that how I respond in this moment to the stresses and challenges I face will have consequences.

People may be unfairly criticized, or I may become cynical, surly, and maybe even downright insubordinate, all of which are inappropriate and not consistent with what I believe is good behavior. I want my consequences to be well-intentioned and well-reasoned.

Rejoice!

new header

2009-04-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

So I spent some time in Paint.net today and put together the little header image you see above. I'm not sure if I like it - if it's in its final iteration, that is, but what's bugging me is that I can't for the life of me figure out why that little gray box is up there on the right hand side of the header. That is NOT in my .png file. If anyone has a clue, please let me know.

Where can I hide?

2009-04-15T06:31:00.000-07:00

Stumbled on this passage today in Psalm 139:

'Where can I hide from you spirit?

From your presence, where can I flee?

If I ascend to the heavens, you are there;

if I lie down in Sheol, you are there too.

If I fly with the wings of dawn

and alight beyond the sea

Even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand hold me fast.

If I say, 'Surely darkness shall hide me

and night shall be my light'-

Darkness is not dark for you,

and night shines as the day.

Darkness and light are but one.'

To me this passage serves as a reminder that whatever my inspiration for a post the reflections I craft are meant to be universal comments on ethics, truth, belief, and the self, not some proselytization. You need not be Christian to receive inspiration from Christian writings, or Muslim to be moved by the Koran, and so, to those that find there way here, please remember that Courage is commentary on life and its choices, not a pulpit for judgment.

I suppose I'm posting today because of this passage. Inevitably I think about my writings here, I debate picking the keyboard back up, and no matter my excuse I cannot seem to leave this place alone. I've tried. Consistent efforts to bury, disappear, and otherwise let Courage fade away into cyberspace always fail and I keep stewing over my inactivity. So, here I am, unable to hide and writing again. We'll see if I can keep it up on a regular basis.

On a personal level, I like how this passage reminds me that I have a responsibility to myself to engage in real, critical, and regular self-reflection. I'm not talking necessarily about existential questioning of the self (though it could be), but about a commitment to improve my character and live my life and ideals with integrity. I know I pretend often enough that I need not do those things, but life is always easier to manage when I do.

What's your word?

2009-01-07T10:20:00.001-08:00

Your Word is "Think"

You see life as an amazing mix of possibilities, ideas, and fascinations.

And sometimes you feel like you don't have enough time to take it all in.

You love learning. Whether you're in school or not, you're probably immersed in several subjects right now.

When you're not learning, you're busy reflecting. You think a lot about the people you know and the things you've experienced.

What's Your Word?

Design

2009-01-07T08:21:00.001-08:00

Thanks to Pyzam for the new template; I'm liking this look and feeling a bit more inspired to write again. We'll see if inspiration turns into perspiration!

Successful Migration

2008-10-27T07:23:00.000-07:00

Courage is safely over to blogger; posts to resume shortly. Expect graphical enhancements as I find the time over the next several weeks (months?)

What does your name say about you?

2008-09-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

Just a little something fun I found over at Blogthings.

What Your Name Says About You

Your name says that you are mostly:

Inspiring but melodramatic

Your name also says you are:

Independent but distant
Ambitious but stubborn
Fiery but unbalanced

What Does Your Name Say About You?

Reckless and Roaming v.2

2008-09-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

A return to a poem I've long liked but ever left in first draft.
Thank you, too, to those that leave encouraging comments!

-----

Reckless roaming in empty mind spaces, just hoping to stumble.

There are thoughts inevitable, pathways we must trod, prisoner to them without intent or design, or even true desire.

Why struggle against that which is, cowering behind clarity and fake bullshit appeasement? We are truthful, unique, bent, forceful, passionate, insane, and more real than sunlight or freshly turned earth.

There is no scent of green grass for us, no blossomed cherry tree. Free of beauty we see ugly, feel pain, choose it to be it, to struggle with inside to better know outside

To make excuses we smile false smiles and write for false gods, but find ourselves unwilling apostles talking two faced and nodding all the time, still roaming recklessly in our empty mind spaces.

Havoc, chapter 4

2008-09-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

Mid afternoon and the beads of a persistent sweat gather
And shine in tiny colonies near my hairline.

Charred by fire, frozen in ice,
I am alone with the electronic hum of
21st century depression.

Raging fire and relentless glaciers
Have exhausted themselves
For the time being
And the real me stumbles,
Like a 3 a.m. drunk,
Weaving toward home and bed with
Heavy feet and thick tongue.

I'm in a mind fog
And even the pen moving over the paper is
A disconnected,
Surreal moment,
Both real and imagined.

Havoc leaves waste in its wake.
Empty fields and blasted minds too
Scarred to return to former lives.

Work in Progress v.3

2008-08-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

Havoc

White coals, searing flame
and blinding light torture me.

Advancing ice, blue cold
and never ending advances pressure me.

Burning coal and frozen glaciers
meet in perfect tension.
I am their son, born of conflict
between passionate fire
and time's slow tide.

I am inevitable.
I am invincible.
But I am still so weak.

For all of fire's fury
and unquenchable hunger,
for all of ice's strength
and dogged persistence,
I am still prisoner to Her
and the havoc she reeks in my soul.

She is the prime mover,
so innocent and so evil,
so loving and indifferent,
and still the world
is made real by Her, fraught with Her.

Pity me for I lack the courage
to try and save myself.
And pity me for failing to make my
other self care enough to try.

Immortal

2008-08-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leaveI wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still haveAll of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with meI've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Work in Progress v.2

2008-08-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

Havoc
White coals, flashes and pain and glimmers of light.
Blue ice, groaning with weight and invading ever onward.
My fangs, with wicked bile and bitter venom, creep slowly from my gums.

Burning coal and frozen glacier meet in perfect destruction
and I rise from their hatred as passionate fire and time's slow tide.
I am inevitable, I am invincible, I am screaming for the feast.

Yet every time I sate my lust I see Her, and my rage is tempered by coal and glacier.
That vicious bitch, her marks, her poison, remain under tattoo and in vein and I would destroy Her,
I would destroy me, I would destroy any if it would let me be free of Her.

Weak moment's yield clarity and I realize that He does Her bidding still.
He strikes nearly every enemy he sees, he dines on their minds and souls,
he feeds on any she, so that no she will be Her to Him again.

I see He hates Her now and loves Her still and regrets that in Her madness she shaped the world.
His existence is defined by Her (defiled?),
made real by Her,
fraught with Her.

She, any she, is now His Feast of hate and fear.
I would feel pity if He would have the courage to withdraw his fangs,
I would feel pity if I had the courage to make him stop.

Work in Progress

2008-08-18T06:23:00.000-07:00

Just a work in progress:
Havoc
White coals, flashes of pain, and thin lines of sudden light.
Blue ice, groaning weight, snapping but inexorably forward.
And my fangs, with wicked bile and bitter venom slip slowly over my lips.

I am burning coal and frozen glacier.
I am passionate fire and time's slow tide.
I am screaming for the feast, for any feast.

Every time I see a Feast I see Her, and my rage is tempered by coal and glacier.
Her marks, her poison, still remain under tattoo and in vein and I would destroy Her,
I would destroy me, I would destroy any Feast if it would let me be free of Her.

A moment's clarity and I realize that He does Her bidding still,
lashing out on any Feast, any she, for none will be Her to Him
again.

He hates Her and loves Her and in Her madness she shaped the world.
His existence is defined by Her (defiled?),
made real by Her,
fraught with Her.

She, any she, is now His Feast of hate and fear. No more will she threaten Him by being like Her.

something

2007-10-31T23:15:00.000-07:00

Why Why Why Why all this pompous scratching, all these cloned signs demanding that their noone is someone that you should make someone more.

How ridiculous is that? Why do I want to take your noone and then make him into a someone? Wouldn't it make more sense for him to become a someone on his own in noble worldly ways so that the common man can support somoene and not trust those nothings turned to somethings by somoene else?

Why waste all that hope and optimism on liars! Such great culture, such diverse paths, such individual lives lived and saints walk the land, but the idiocy says you must recant - you must instead choose those approved by the machine. I will not choose the wisdom of the political machine when this something was once nothing duped us all. Once a liar - always a liar.

If you've been in love

2007-10-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

If you've been in love then you know what it is to stare at the wall, stare into space, stare into your soul and miss miss miss your other. Whether it's an eighth grade crush or your husband, that desire and longing is what makes love so much more powerful than hate.

Wedding

2007-10-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

Monday is the end of a big weekend for me; my brother married and I saw everyone in my family for the first time in nearly three years. While uneventful (mostly - I'll spare you the comments a few of my more choice family members sent my way), I am emotionally exhausted. Dealing with those that challenged me, and having to challenge myself, wore me out. Still, I'm glad I made it up there and helped my brother have a special weekend.

Leaving Everything?

2007-10-02T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'm back from a weekend in the woods, where I took one of my classes on a ten mile hike on the AT and a jaunt through an abandoned WWII POW (later church) camp that has since been reclaimed by forest.

Central to our experience was using travel narratives to explore social studies content (in this case we modeled a westward expansion unit). We searched for meaning in attempting to uncover the truth and emotion behind the question, 'what does it mean to leave everything behind and travel into the unknown?'

I'm struck by the depth of the question, even unintentionally, as we think of those lost in nature, lost in themselves, or those that left their home for war and found themselves not in Germany, but in a small county in Pennsylvania, in the middle of forest, with nowhere to go for miles around. What drives us to to make these choices? What drives others to make these choices for us, whether politicians or land-owners, slave masters or tribal chiefs?

Survival is central to this theme, but then I wonder...where does learned helplessness fit? Not everyone survives....what allows some to make the impossible journey and what holds others to doom and death?

Reason and Passion

2007-09-28T12:19:00.000-07:00

     And the priestess spoke again and said: Speak to us of Reason and Passion.
     And he answered, saying:
     Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgement wage war against your passion and your appetite.
     Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that i might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.
     But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?

~ Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
---
I'd like to return with some grand revelation or some marvelous experience to share, some vision of where I've been, what I've been thinking, and how I'm me, but also not me, but I return as I left.

Friends lament the never-ending flow of words and ideas, the crowding out of nature and time with too many voices and obligations, but I have stopped listening to myself and choose to ignore whatever secrets my soul whispers in the loud and quiet times of life. I live and do that which defines living, but I hide from life.

It's a strange thing, but I find myself here again without knowing why.

Gravedigger

2007-05-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
~ Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Spasmodic convulsion (first draft)
Every neck muscle about to pop,
Ligaments scream in agony,
Flop sweat stings wide open eyes
of terror and fear.

I gasp for clean cool air and it crashes
Into my throat as broken glass,
Gouging and tearing flesh; a large
Mouthed bass hooked in the eyes on the
Bottom of the boat.

My violent shakes and protests
Give way to gray and the agonizing
Paralyzing fear of suffocation.
Soon I will be in the hands of the Gravedigger.

Courage is closed until I find freedom, courage, and strength to write for me as I see the world.

Perhaps I'll see you as the tides turn and sea becomes shore.

Charley

Giving up

2007-04-23T17:35:00.000-07:00

Who is in denial? Both sides in this debate drive me bananas. On the right we have our warmongering Haliburton loving hawks who like nothing better than getting a hard on over the latest 'drone' weapon to come out of Pentagon over-spending. On the left we have people that voted to go to war, but have sensed popular opinion changing and realize that instead of having an agenda for the United States they can simply repeat what the average television soaked rat-infested city dwelling 'intellectual' considers morally right.

Is Iraq in civil war? You bet. Are we 'winning'? What's left to 'win'? Are we 'losing'? Well, when you had no real objective and withdrawal plan before you attacked I'm guessing this is an easy question to dodge.

Still - the war in Iraq and its instability is of our making. Oppressive inhumane dictator or not, Saddam kept the peace. When you topple the only thing keeping people under control, what did you expect? Conf and red/white/blue bunting hanging from the minarets of every mosque?

Please.

We have a moral obligation NOT to leave. I hate that Americans are dying for that lying, manipulative douche in the White House (Dick Cheney, not Bush; Bush is too stupid to know right from wrong), but when you upset the apple cart you have a responsibility to right it as best you can. We've not done that.

Now, we're trying to do the bare minimum and not look completely incompetent in the process. Yeah, it's not working. Our hawks are fine being hawkish as long as they don't piss off too many conservatives. Buck up, admit that we screwed the pooch and do what we have to do to restore order.

By the way, that's going to mean calling in the U.N.

Tags: Courage, Iraq, Denial

Entertainment News- Novelist Kurt Vonnegut Dies at Age 84 - AOL News

2007-04-11T22:42:00.000-07:00

Entertainment News- Novelist Kurt Vonnegut Dies at Age 84 - AOL News : There is no joy in mudville.

Stretch your mind and read his works. He'll challenge you to think differently about who you are and what you believe....

and you might come out the other side feeling and believing something new, or you might just strengthen your core philosophy.

Tags: Courage

Triumph

2007-04-11T10:43:00.000-07:00

ADAA "Triumph" Wristbands

Wear "Triumph" to show your support

& let people know they are not alone.

Through research, education and treatment, the Anxiety Disorders Association of America has been improving lives and providing hope for 25 years for the more than 40 million adult Americans suffering from panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and phobias.

Stay involved all year by signing up for ADAA's e-Newsletter, Triumph! - a free resource about anxiety disorders. Subscribe at www.adaa.org

If you would like a band, please send me your name and address. I'm happy to send you one.

Charley

Global Warming

2007-04-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

After a recent comment, I feel it crucial to point out that:

a) my environmentalist concerns are not political concerns. I don't care who is in charge as long as they aren't ignorant enough to think that six billion people (and increasing at hereto unthought of rates) don't impact the world in an unintended and negative way. How many grains of sand does it take to tip a balance?

b) I don't care who is promoting the global warming or environmentalist cause (left or right) but the reality is as global citizens we have a moral and ethical responsibility to be stewards of what we've been given. To honestly look at what we've done to our own ability to live well on the earth, as a species, and not shake our heads is insanity. I don't understand why we're the only species that craps where it eats, sleeps, and reproduces.

Finally

2007-04-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

It's here, and finally I can get two hours of peace every night as I lose myself in numbers and statistics. This is a family tradition taught to me by my dad, who was taught by his dad. It's something I learned next to him at my first major league ball game. He did this for me when I played baseball, and we did it together when we watched.

I never felt closer to him then at those moments. No arguments or walls between us. Just baseball.

http://hometown.aol.com/Cdittric77/test.pdf

Tags: Courage, Baseball

Global Warming Article- Scientists Approve Global Warming Report - AOL Research & Learn

2007-04-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

Global Warming Article- Scientists Approve Global Warming Report - AOL Research & Learn : When bad things start to happen, and the government continues to support big business, oil, and traditional power supplies, remember that they butchered this report. Remember that our government negotiated to weaken the results of our own ineptitude.

Stop being an ostrich with its head in the sand. Be a leader.

Reckless Roaming

2007-04-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

Reckless roaming in empty mind spaces, just hoping to stumble.

There are thoughts inevitable, pathways we must trod, prisoner to them without intent or design or even true desire.

Why struggle against that which is, behind clarity and fake bullshit appeasement? We are truthful, unique, bent forceful passionate insane and more real than sunlight or freshly turned earth.

There is no scent of green grass for us, no blossomed cherry tree, free of beauty we see ugly, feel pain, choose it to be it, to struggle with inside to better know outside

To make excuses we smile false smiles and write for false gods but find ourselves unwilling apostles but talking two faced and nodding all the time, still roaming recklessly in empty mind spaces.

----

First draft. In image:

http://hometown.aol.com/Cdittric77/reckless+roaming.pdf

Tags: Courage

An inconvenient truth

2007-04-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

Reports from four fronts in the war on warming.

Justices Say E.P.A. has power to act on harmful gases.

Expert predicts very active hurricane season.

An Inconvenient Truth. Watch it, and then take action.

Tags: Courage, Global Warming, An Inconvenient Truth

Tortured Genius

2007-03-30T16:16:00.000-07:00

You Are 70% Tortured Genius

You are smart. Brilliant in fact. And while it's a blessing, it's also a curse.
Your head is filled with everything - grand ideas, insufferable worries, and a good deal of angst.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

The quiet and shared night

2007-03-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

The quiet and shared night : The Blogfather has given us his weekend assignment - which time of day is your favorite?

I'm dredging up a past post for my answer. In the night under clouds or moon or stars I can feel the earth breathe. Concrete and asphalt shudders and settles, weary after a long day. The trees drink deep of quiet air and speak to one another on the wind. The grass naps in quiet slumber after a day spent praising the sun, and animals come or go as their way and nature permits.

I love the night, walking without direction or guidance. I feel my feet connect to the earth in a way more sincere than any I've ever felt; no light, no sight, just smell, taste, and touch. My soul seeps down my legs, through my shoes and joins creation in a silent celebration of unity and life.

Sometimes, being an insomniac isn't so bad. :)

Tags: Weekend Assignment, Courage, Insomnia

Dali does me

2007-03-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

Who Should Paint You: Salvador Dali

You're a complex, intense creature who displays many layers.
There's no way a traditional portrait could ever capture you!

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

Via: Patrick

Tags: Courage, Patrick's Place

Full Time Dad Wanted

2007-03-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

Full Time Dad Wanted : Mary posted this entry, and really if you want to know what love is, truly is, take a gander at at the post. More after the jump.

Tags: Courage, love

The news?!?!?!?!?!?&^#$(&(#!

2007-03-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

Oh, what we call the news!

What We Call the News | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

Via: JibJab

Tags: Jib Jab, Courage, News

Donkey or Elephant?

2007-03-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

You Are 32% Republican

You're a bit Republican, and probably more conservative than you realize.
If you're still voting Democrat, maybe it's time that you stop.

How Republican Are You?

You Are 64% Democrat

You have a good deal of donkey running through your blood, and you're proud to be liberal.
You don't fit every Democrat stereotype, but you definitely belong in the Democrat party.

How Democrat Are You?

Now, if only they had a pro-life democratic party, I'd be all set :).

Tags: blogthings, courage

What's in a name?

2007-03-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

Via Dawn - every answer must start with the first letter of your first name.

Your Name: Charley

Famous Music artist/group: Coors, The ;)

3 letter word: Cat. I have two of them, Ulysses and Shiloh. They show up in my journal every now and again.

Color: Canary

Gift/present: Cap, as in baseball :).

Vehicle: Corvette, or the Corsair.

TV Show: Crossing Jordan.

Country: Congo

Boy's Name: Carl.

Girl's Name: Constance.

Alcoholic drink: Car bomb.

Occupation: Car Salesman

Flower: Crocus.

Celebrity: Charlie Chaplin.

Food: cuscous.

Something found in a kitchen: crockpot.

Reason for Being Late: car sickness.

Something You Shout: CRAP!

Countdown

2007-03-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

The best news I've gotten in quite some time :):

From: Steve Kohlreiter
Subject: Countdown

Greetings:

There are just 10 days until opening day of the baseball season for the
New York Yankees!!!

Steve K

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Tags: Yankees, Baseball, MLB

Just because he's awesome

2007-03-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

Tags: Chris Cornell

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

2007-03-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

Back home in small town Pennsylvania after a draining weekend of delayed and canceled flights, impromptu mini-van rentals, closed highways, snow, ice, late night stays in cheap run-down Days Inns, and the complaints of twelve students.

Woo.

Still, my time in Portland was amazing (if not tiring!); the artful learning model they have in place works wonders and has created a school climate I only ever dreamed of seeing. It was a privilege to be there working with those teachers, their students, and even the students from my class.

I've posted the complete album from my trip; enjoy knowing that I've spared you from the three hours of video that I took.

Charley

Tags: Portland, Leonard Bernstein Center for Artful Learning

A few shots from Portland

2007-03-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

Just a few images from Portland, where I am until Friday. I'm working at a fabulous middle school here.

Sunrise

2007-03-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

Sunrise is the time to feel thaqt you will be able to find out how to help somebody close to you who you think needs help even if he doesn't think so. At sunrise everything is luminous, but not clear.

'A River Runs Through It', by Norman Maclean

Murderer

2007-03-09T08:36:00.000-08:00

A snippet:

From John Taylor Gatto (1992) via Ayers (1995)

...the real lessons of American schooling, things like hierarchy and y our place in it, indifference, emotional and intellectual dependency, provisional self-esteem, and the need to submit to certified authority. For many students the experience of schooling is just this: Nothing of real importance is ever undertaken, nothing is ever connected to anything else, nothing is ever pursued to its deepest limits, nothing is ever finished, and nothing is ever done with investment and courage. This may not be the intention of policy makers, politicians, or administrators; it is certainly not the hope of most parents and teachers. Yet it is often what children live and learn.

...in effect schools murder the souls and minds of children by design, and that we fight a guerrilla war against genocide in the classroom our entire lives - a war we are losing badly.

Refuse to be a murderer! Encourage creativity, spontaneity, self-discovery, discomfort and challenging student centered learning. Teach so that others teach themselves!

LD

2007-03-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

Light and darkness are expressions of morality. When I stay true to Natural Law, I am good and all is well. When i violate Natural Law - putting myself putting my uncensored passions before what I know is right, then inevitably nature will return to bite me in the ass.

I'm fairly convinced that humanity's ability to rationalize is why we walk paths destined to lead to hurt and pain.

I love the Taoist concept of order and balance, but how do you reconcisle the balance of good and evil when Confucius places a strict order and responsibility based class-system into the family system?

Yet it is inevitable that mother nature brings herself back to balance, she is only forced to when i cast off one of my wings.

Mother Nature is perfect. My dark side is spittle in the face of creation.

But at the same time, I wonder if our own lives are defined by the challenges we choose to cretae. Is this why wrong feels so good? So that when I have the courage to confront myself I see how empty good is when compared to fulfillment?

To destroy

2007-03-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

What woud you say if I told you chose that word very carefully? Writing is, for me, very often (if not all the time) a self-destructive activity. I very clearly understand the concept of deconstruction to better understand something (think of my prior post to you on Pain - it talks about our need to deconstruct pain and accept it), but that's not how I view my writing. My writing destroys myself. It shreds my soul, my mind, my thoughts. It drains me of who I am.

What I didn't write about in that entry was that I am then free to be someone, something, somewhere else. I don't need to understand what comes out of my writing, because I don't write for clarity or understanding - I write to destroy so that I might rebuild. Reflection (something which I love) is best achieved when we stretch beyond the analysis of a problem (it's deconstruction) and truly destroy it in critique and weigh its moral and ethical implications.

Only then, after I've destroyed can I see what havoc or beauty I wrought and then determine how best to move forward in life, as a person, as a soul.

Or are our concepts so tied together - that you deconstruct to understand, and I destroy to see clearer, which then allows me to rebuild in a fashion I choose........

Paper and soul

2007-03-06T23:10:00.000-08:00

14 February, early morning, 2007

Rebecca, a valued reader of my blog has the gift of insight. So many of the things she sees or keeps on clean page beg for some day's future reflection.

Rebecca shared her insight with me after another reader of her journal took my comment and did an entry on just a few sentences. After a long entry about her writing, I tried to picture Rebecca hammering out words for an entry a keyboard.

My mind froze because I knew she preferred to honor her words on paper before she shared them with us. So out of curiosity and the need to picture the author's writing process, I asked what kind of notebooks she carried around to observe other people. 'I do that!' I quipped silently as I read her entry, and so I wa to see if any other similarities existed as we wrote. To find them would give me confidence even when it wasn't looked for.

7 March, late night, 2007

So the question remains - what paper do I use to write? The simple answer is that writing for me is a self-destructive process. Every entry, every post drains me of something else to say or think. And then, of course, it is too easy to forget and overlook what it means to put words on a page: conviction. So many people think, but so few have the conviction to write and place the soul on paper.

Voldemort was on to something when he trapped part of his soul in his diary. I look back at the scattered journals I keep and it's so very clear that they don't chronicle my life, they chronicle my soul.

On the practical side, my journal is lined, though only faintly, which is somehow fitting for my dual self. I tend to write in journals others give me, and I write in fits and starts, depending on my soul's need to speak.

For musings of the moment, or random jottings, I use a moleskine; can you really go wrong using the notebook of Picasso and Hemingway?

I have one preference for my journals, however. I always write in cursive and I always use an ink well and stylus. I feel a part of humanity partaking in the great tradition of correspondence when I put nib to paper.

On a side note, what do you do when you become concerned you are both light and dark? Do you hate one and love the other? Hate both? Love both?

Tell us of pain

2007-03-02T06:53:00.000-08:00

For a friend, and written by Kahlil Gibran:

And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
        And he said:
    Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses
your understanding.
    Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that
its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know
pain.
    And could you keep your heart in wonder at
the daily miracles of your life, your pain would
not seem less wondrous than your joy;
    And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that
pass over your fields.
    And you would watch with serenity through
the winters of your grief.
    Much of your pain is self-chosen.
    It is the bitter potion by which the physician
within you heals your sick self.
    Thereofre trust the physician, and drink his
remedy in silence and tranquility:
    For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided
by the tender hand of the Unseen,
    And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter
has moistened with His own sacred tears.

Pitchers and catchers report today!

2007-02-13T06:47:00.000-08:00

An email tht I received this moring; the best news you can possibly get every year:

From: steven.kohlreiter@VERIZON.NET
Subject: Pitchers and catchers report today!

The subject line says it all. Pitchers and catchers report TODAY!

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Blogthings

2007-02-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

Two for today!

What Charley Means

C is for Cupcake

H is for Honey

A is for Almond

R is for Rabbit

L is for Love Bear

E is for Eye Candy

Y is for Yummy Kiss

What's Your Pet Name?

You Are 66% Misanthropic

Here's the truth: Most people suck. You are just lucky enough to know it.
You're not ready to go live alone in a cave - but you're getting there.

How Misanthropic Are You?

Real Men

2007-02-11T19:27:00.000-08:00

I've been busy, but this is something I saw and have harped on before, so I had to take a moment and at least bring this back to people's minds:

A friend of mine has contacts high up in the department of homeland security and he told me years ago in 2003 that the word in the department was that everyone wanted to go to Iraq, but real men wanted to go to Iran.

Sooner or later, it's going to happen. Everybody get ready for the return to Tehran.

Journal Tournament

2007-02-06T14:24:00.000-08:00

I'll be playing in the next Journal Tournament. Will you?

Tags: Journal Tournament, Courage

The Pope has NOTHING on me!

2007-02-02T10:04:00.000-08:00

You are a 98% traditional Catholic!

Congratulations! You are more knowlegeable than most modern theologians! You have achieved mastery over the most important doctrines of the Catholic Faith! You should share your incredible understanding with others!

Do You Know Your Baltimore Catechism?
Make Your Own Quiz

2007-02-02T09:44:00.000-08:00

An Inconvenient Truth: Florida Storm Turns Deady

Two links - inextricably connected. Do something about your contribution, today - read the story, click this link, then act.

Tags: Global Warming, Florida, An Inconvenient Truth, Courage

Borderline?

2007-01-29T14:51:00.000-08:00

Not Madonna, but Blogthings:

You Are 78% Borderline

Many signs point toward you having a borderline personality.
It's probably a good idea to seek therapy. Or at least read a self help book.

Do You Have a Borderline Personality?

If only they knew my DSM IV number(s)! :)

Dawn's Meme

2007-01-29T14:36:00.000-08:00

I pulled this meme from Dawn. She made it!

A Apple or PC?

I’ve flirted with the idea of buying a Mac for productivity and general house use and having my machine be a gaming only rig, but haven’t pulled the trigger. For now, PC only.

B Banking... online or in person, and if in person, drive thru or inside the bank?

Most of my banking is done online – very little is done in person, or even in drive-thru!

C Coffee and Chocolate! The two most important 'C's Favorites please.

I’m a fan of any rich dark chocolate – I mean DARK chocolate. As for coffee, I’m a fan of the Seattle’s Best we have up the road at a little coffee joint.

D Dogs. Do you have one? If yes, what kind and it's name and why you named it that. If no, then if you had one what kind would you choose?

I don’t have a dog, actually, but if I did, I’d choose a Rhodesian Ridgeback; they are beautiful animals.

E Elvis. There was only one. Favorite song, and if you ever or your parents ever, saw him live.

Never saw him live, though my mother-in-law had a ticket for the concert to be held right around when he died. As for my favorite Elvis song, I’m going with Satisfy Me J.

F Flowers. Do you have a favorite to receive and/or a favorite to give?

No favorite to receive, but I enjoy giving any kind, really.

G Grandparents, do you have any left and if you are one, to how many?

I have two grandparents left, both on my mother’s side.

H Handy or call for help?

Call for help – let the expert handle it; I’m not fool enough to waste my time learning to do something someone is better suited after an actual education.

I IOU's any out there to a person, a friend or family?

I’ve got some IOU’s out there, and some have them out to me – what goes around, comes around, I say!

J Jello. Love it? Hate it? Favorite flavor? With whipped cream or cool whip or neither?

Eh…..it’s not bad, and it’s not good….unless it’s chocolate pudding!

K Kiss. Do you remember your first real kiss? Where, who?

Jen Gray, in the soup kitchen she and I worked at with our parents.

L Language. Do you speak any others? Fluently or a little?

I’m passable at Russian, on a good day, and I can comprehend German, but can’t speak it as I lost most of the language to disuse

M Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck?

Neither. I hate Disney.

N Neighbors. Do you know their names? Occupations? Phone numbers? Or not?

I’m afraid I know nothing about them, and I’m not ashamed to admit I don’t care to, either. They are strange.

O Olympics. Do you watch? Which is your favorite winter or summer?

I do watch and I prefer winter to summer.

P Pluto. What is your take on the planet being downgraded?

I think it’s sad. Depressing, really.

Q Quiche. Have you ever had it? Do you like it and what is your favorite?

I despise it, and yes I’ve had it.

R Refrigerator. Name three things in your refridgerator that you think are unusual.

Well, almost anything plastic counts, as just about anything we don’t want the cats to get goes in the fridge!

S Safari. Have you ever been to Africa on one? A theme park version?

Done the theme park/zoo thing, but never been to Africa.

T Telescope. Have you ever looked thru a telescope?

I have! I even owned one (a tiny one), and yes, I was a dork.

U Umbrella. Do you have one and what is its design?

I do. It’s orange and blue.

V Vintage. Do you have a favorite wine to share? Or drink?

Eh. I enjoy a fine bottle of champagne, but wine doesn’t do much for me. I have had an Australian Riesling recently that was very good, though.

W Willies. What gives you the willies? You know, that shudder you can't stop?

I HATE spiders. I will run like the wind to escape them!

X X-ray. Last one? What body part and why?

I can’t remember this – my neck perhaps? A few years ago because I have some chronically sprained muscles close to my spine.

Y Yolk. How do you like your eggs?

I don’t like eggs J.

Z Zodiac. What's your sign and does it fit your personality, in your opinion?

I’m a Capricorn, and sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t!

A walk to The Spot

2007-01-28T19:26:00.000-08:00

It's not going to be that cold I hear in my head, and I'm not going to need a jacket, but where is my hat? I have another one, all right I'm coming - quick, grab the garbage so you look like you're doing your part.

Why will he never fix this stupid door and why are these peanuts on the roof? Squirrels? Someone is feeding the squirrels on the roof? The roof? I am not sure what to make of that of that person of those squirrels of cracked shells and scattered crumbs in gutters and waiting on tar to be blown away.

I am an idiot I forgot my keys and I know if I say something I swallow my pride I always fight my pride it's a demon I cower in fright of. I am so glad she didn't make fun of me, I really am, and why am I always putting garbage in an overflowing dumpster?

I think it's cold, but not biting cold, just cold to feel the tips of my ears sharpen like ice cold razors cold and the sides of my neck tighten in heat cold. Warm coffee, always hotter than I want it to be coffee in a shop closing because its late but they have the paper! The Sunday Times! Light in a dark town!

This coffee is hot spilled and burning thumb. Time for it it's on my shirt and not my pants not my pants! Not my pants? Huh.

There is nothing like a warm walk in the cold and realizing that your heart is always beating with the heat of love and marriage. I love my wife even if I forget my keys.

-------

The weekend ends and I'm glad to find myself just about done. I have some planning to do in my Franklin Covey but then I'll be free to spend the rest of the night drinking tea and eating Bugles. Enjoy your Sunday night, all, and see you in the week!

Tags: Courage

The Web Celeb 25 - AOL Money & Finance

2007-01-28T14:24:00.000-08:00

The Web Celeb 25 - AOL Money & Finance : If you're a web geek like me, this will definitely get you going. Look for another post later, should I catch up on all my school work.

Doh!

Tags: Courage, Forbes, Web Celeb 25, AOL Money & Finance

2007-01-23T08:20:00.000-08:00

Snagged this from Confessions of a Hot Carmel Sundae:

1. Name a Catholic book that you want to share so much that you keep giving away copies: Crossing the Threshold of Hope, by JPII

2 Name a work of religious art you'd like to live with: Rembrandt's Descent from the Cross (I actually TOUCHED this painting!)

3. Name your favorite Catholic artist: Eh, I'm not particularly moved either way.

4. Name a work of Catholic fiction which has penetrated your real life: I'm going with non-fiction, because I can't get it out of my head: The Courage to be Catholic, by George Weigel

5. Name your favorite Catholic Musicians - male & female: Steven Curtis Chapman

6. Name your favorite musical: Les Miserables, Miss Saigon

7. Name a punch line that always makes you laugh: [during a written driving test]
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupting......
MOOOOOOOOOOOO

Feel free to take and play along if you like :)

Tags: Catholic Meme, Courage

All the news not fit to print - 1/22/07

2007-01-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

You have to make sure your dog is at least over three dog years before this treat!

You think your significant other has an unhealthy obsession? Think again!

Have you done your good deed today?

Creepy

Another virgin birth?

Tags: news, Courage

Blogthings bonanaza

2007-01-22T13:36:00.000-08:00

Your Slanguage Profile

Aussie Slang: 50%

Prison Slang: 50%

British Slang: 25%

Canadian Slang: 25%

New England Slang: 25%

Southern Slang: 0%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

You Sometimes Don't Get Enough Sleep

You're often more tired than you'd like, and you're probably not getting enough quality sleep.
Sleeping a little more could make you a lot more energetic and happy.
Try having a bedtime, keep your bedroom cool, and only eat fruit before bed.

Do You Get Enough Sleep?

In 1977 (the year you were born)

Jimmy Carter becomes president of the US

Most of the 10,000 Vietnam War draft evaders are pardoned by President Carter

Singer Anita Bryant starts her "Save Our Children" crusade against gay rights

Elvis Presley dies in his Graceland bathroom

Congress creates a Department of Energy

Anwar Sadat flies to Jerusalem in a dramatic gestureof willingness to discuss peace

Orlando Bloom, Shakira, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Liv Tyler, and Ludacris are born

New York Yankees win the World Series

Oakland Raiders win Superbowl XI

Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup

Swedish music group ABBA passes The Beatles as having most records sold

Star Wars is the top grossing film

The Shining by Stephen King is published

"You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone spends the most time at the top of the US charts

Three's Company premieres

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

Tags: Blogthings

Monday morning question

2007-01-22T12:50:00.000-08:00

Here's your Monday Morning Question!:

What movie have you seen recently that you consider to be one of the greatest of all time?

I'm going to stick with Gosford Park. It is an amazing murder mystery with an absolute masterful bent to story-telling. Are you an upstairs person, or a down? :)

Tags: Monday Morning Question, Gosford Park, Courage

Some blogthings

2007-01-21T22:53:00.000-08:00

Carly posted a few blogthings she wanted us to complete and post on our sites, so here we go!

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back"

Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.
But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is medium.
In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.
But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!
There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is high.
It's your way or the highway when it comes to love.
You like to be very involved in your sweetie's life.
No question, you like to be the one calling the shots.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

Tags: Courage, Blogthings, Romance, Love

TV News- Rosie's Latest Target Is 'Intoxicated' Abdul - AOL News

2007-01-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

TV News- Rosie's Latest Target Is 'Intoxicated' Abdul - AOL News : This goofball should pull the beam out of her own eye before she starts looking for splinters in others.

This show is beginning to sound a lot like Fox News to me: all huff and no substance.

Get a grip, Rosie

Tags: Paula Abdul, Rosie, The View

Movie News- Lindsay Lohan Checks Into Rehab - AOL News

2007-01-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

Movie News- Lindsay Lohan Checks Into Rehab - AOL News : You know, there are moments in life where you just feel like saying DUH! to someone else. While I feel pity for Double L in this situation, there is a certain smug satisfaction with seeing someone 'famous' become 'normal'. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe, but honestly, why do we live and die through celebritaunts anyway?

Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Rehab, Courage

Sucks to be the Attorney General!

2007-01-16T17:19:00.000-08:00

How would you like to be Michigan's Attorney General?

They might have an opening now that Michigan passed a law concerning adultery and other sex crimes; The Attorney General admitted an affair in 2005 - doh!

I picked this up over at the Blogfather's.

Tags: Michigan, Adultery, Courage, By the Way

Blogthings, reflection, and whatnot

2007-01-15T23:58:00.000-08:00

First, a little fun from our friends at Blogthings:

Your Mind is NC-17 Rated

You're mind is so filthy... you should should be washing every part of you out with soap.
If your thoughts can go dirty, they do. Almost everything is NC-17 to you!

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

Things have been a bit crazy as the students started back today. I'll try to keep posting! Here are some more photos from Hawaii. In here you'll see photos from Pearl Harbor, Diamond Head, and the conference. Enjoy!

Here's a little reflection for you:

Titus 1:2 In hope of eternal life, which God, that cannot lie, promised before the world began;

When things have you down, when life seems a bit too much, and when people challenge us because of our faith, this is our hope. It is our refuge, our bulwark, the rock that we have to weather the storm.

Some refuse to see faith as truth because they cannot see. The fallible refuse to accept what they can not accept as proof. There is an inherent flaw there, far more than that in which the fallible admits their error and looks instead to that which is perfect, which promises a hope of eternal life.

That's far more motivating to me than a world without purpose.

Tags: Blogthings, Hawaii, Diamond Head, Pearl Harbor, Courage, Faith, Christianity

Weekend Assignment #147, birthday, blogthings, and stuff

2007-01-13T01:15:00.000-08:00

From our blogfather, John Scalzi:

I was wandering around the Web and found a Warning Sign Generator, and I thought it could make a fun Weekend Assignment:

Weekend Assignment #147: Make a Warning Sign For Everyday Life. Because life needs warning signs sometimes.

For all my students, future and former, that might stumble upon this journal - beware:

Extra credit: Ever ignored a warning sign you should have paid attention to?

Oh yes. That big red one at the middle of a four lane entersection. T-boned. Winshields + foreheads - seatbelts = serious hospital time. Not fun!

And this one comes from Bloglines:

You Are 67% Addicted to the Internet

In your opinion, life without the internet is hardly worth living.
Could be, but you probably need a bit more fresh air and sunshine to think clearly.

Are You Addicted to the Internet?

Bible Verse of the Day: Acts 28:28: Be it known therefore unto you, that the salvation of God is sent unto the Gentiles, and that they will hear it.

The implied message is that everyone not a Jew will hear the word of God. One slight propblem there, though, in that people either have to be listening, or choose to listen, and many don't do either. Yes, many millions of gentiles have heard the call of salvation, but not all have. The word requires the will of the hearer to choose to listen, choose to hear, and then choose to follow.

Those somehwere in the middle might be worse than those that never hear, or choose not to listen....after all, they do not believe, whereas those in the middle claim belief, but fail to follow. That might vex me a bit more if I were God.

Oh, more photos and fun birthday stuff coming tomorrow.

Charley

Tags: Weekend Assignment, Courage, Bible, Faith, Catholicism, Blogthings

Social Networking

2007-01-12T00:15:00.000-08:00

Joe posted this interesting tidbit on social networking over at the AIMPage blog. He inquires about our use of social networking sites.

In response, I'm proud to say that I maintain only two sites outside Courage: the first is a facebook profile designed to keep an eye on my students; as future educators they have no room for error when it comes to exposing private information in a public space. The second is my AIMPage, which is designed at the moment as an extended member profile and funnel to Courage.

I do not maintain, nor will I, memberships at MySpace, Friendstir, etc.

I've seen far too much go wrong than to be comforted by the statistics Joe mentions in his article. Somehow, numbers fail to convey the ugly side of social networking.

Tags: Courage, My Space, Friendster, Facebook, AOLJournals, AIMPage

What's your Accent?

2007-01-12T00:05:00.000-08:00

From Lily, at The Facts of Dreaming

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The Midland
The South
Boston
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Tags: Courage, meme

Technorati Buzz Monitor

2007-01-08T15:18:00.000-08:00

Something I picked up in my email today while trying to warm up in Hawaii. While the temperature might be 80, these conference rooms are a robust 55. Somebody send me an electric blanket via federal express?

Anyway, now that AOLJournals has tags rolled out, I thought this a fun read.

Tags: Technorati, Tags, Courage

Hawaii Update

2007-01-08T02:40:00.000-08:00

The night before the big presentation and I'm a little nervous. Somehow, after reviewing your material and preparing for all contingencies, something still manages to sneak up on you.

Hawaii itself has been fabulous, and we had the opportunity to clinb Diamond Head, starting in the crater and reaching the summit after a surprisingly strenous hike. I pity for the women I saw tackling this trail in high heeled shoes. Or maybe not.

The sessions here have been reasonably well, and I'm looking forward to a nice combination of work and play as the conference winds down. Good food, good friends, and hopefully good turnout at my session. Enjoy these pictures of Diamond Head and the view of Waikiki from our hotel balcony.

Tags: Hawaii, Waikiki, Courage, Education

Happy New Year!

2007-01-04T20:09:00.000-08:00

What a whirlwind! The end of semester nearly did me in, with grades, interviews, and application reading, as we are hiring a new professor next fall. All that ended the 22nd, and three days of frantic shopping later, Jillian and I celebrated our first Christmas as a couple, alone, quietly, here in Gettysburg.

Typically you'll find us amid the wrapping paper and ribbons and boisterous din of family (both sides) for days on end. This year, given all our travel, and the time Jill had to take off for foot surgery and traveling to my conference, we stayed home.

The included photographs will show just how delightful that Christmas became for all of us - cats included!

After a week of sleeping, sleeping, and more sleeping, I realized that I had to present at a conference in under a week. I promptly began to stress out like nobody's business. Thankfully, the night before we depart, all is done (sort-of) and we'll be in the air tomorrow morning. I'll try and update from the road as best I can.

Oh, and the video footage will be coming soon, but for now, the included photographs also document some still footage from the 2007 Trivial Pursuit World Championship. I will not tell you the winner until the video footage is compiled, edited, and distributed. I will tell you that it was a nail biter of a game that literally came down to the last four rolls of the die.

Shall we take bets on the winners?

Oh, and did I mention my conference (January 5-10) is in Honolulu, Hawaii? How lucky can I get?

See you on Waikiki Beach!

Charley

Tags: Christmas, New Years, Hawaii, Education, AOLJournals, Courage

PC Gaming Geekiness!

2006-12-18T13:28:00.000-08:00

Two stories, ripped from Joystiq, that make my heart go a flutter!

Games for Windows

and

BIOSHOCK - oh man I can not wait to play this game. Emergant game play, here we come!

Install Tomorrow, and Update!

2006-12-18T12:56:00.000-08:00

Install Tomorrow, and Update! : Stephanie has an update posted about R10 (arriving in your Journal tomorrow!). Read it so you're not left in the dust sucking the wind of old R9!

BamBam, Courage, AOLJournals

Grinch and Overseas Holidays

2006-12-16T20:47:00.000-08:00

Blogthings seems to think that I'm not a Grinch. I disagree.

Nope, You're Not a Grinch

Although you may feel Grinch-like at times, it's just because you're worn out from the holidays.
You get into the holiday spirit more than most people - and you truly enjoy celebrating with your family and friends.

Are You a Grinch?

They also think I like rice pudding, the simpletons.

You Should Spend the Holidays In

Denmark - where you leave a mischievous elf a bowl of rice pudding

What Country Should You Spend the Holidays In?

Blogthings, Courage, Grinch, Christmas

Courage

Grief

Fantastic News

I will bury you….

Life update

High Hopes

One of these days, Alice……

University Politics…

Health Update

Quick update

The small scroll

What makes me happy, redux?

What do you need to be happy?

Rain’s plea ~ draft

Educational Philosophy

What is courage?

Art the power

In the field

What vitamin are you?

They don't love you like I love you

Rationale

Out of fear

Someone spray me with a hose!

Charity

The Animal I have Become

How boring are you?

Havoc part 2

Cry havoc!

Persevere

Return to the now

new header

Where can I hide?

What's your word?

Design

Successful Migration

What does your name say about you?

Reckless and Roaming v.2

Havoc, chapter 4

Work in Progress v.3

Immortal

Work in Progress v.2

Work in Progress

something

If you've been in love

Wedding

Leaving Everything?

Reason and Passion

Gravedigger

Giving up

Entertainment News- Novelist Kurt Vonnegut Dies at Age 84 - AOL News

Triumph

Global Warming

Finally

Global Warming Article- Scientists Approve Global Warming Report - AOL Research & Learn

Reckless Roaming

An inconvenient truth

Tortured Genius

The quiet and shared night

Dali does me

Full Time Dad Wanted

The news?!?!?!?!?!?&*^#$(&*(#!

Donkey or Elephant?

What's in a name?

Countdown

Just because he's awesome

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

A few shots from Portland

Sunrise

Murderer

LD

To destroy

Paper and soul

Tell us of pain

Pitchers and catchers report today!

Blogthings

Real Men

Journal Tournament

The Pope has NOTHING on me!

Borderline?

Dawn's Meme

The news?!?!?!?!?!?&^#$(&(#!