Grief

I have been wrestling with a corner of my mind for years, at least four now but maybe more, and the knowledge contained within proved dastardly and fiendishly difficult to comprehend. I would catch glimpses of it, you see, when meditating or writing and  I prayed for wisdom and guidance on a host of related issues without recognizing the connection to this stubborn mental thorn. This mind motivator tinged many of my thoughts and behaviors these last years so subtly and thoroughly that I didn’t recognize the expression or difference.

In 2 Corinthians, 12:7-10  St. Paul says,

Therefore, that I might not become too elated, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated.

Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.

Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

I failed to see this thorn in my side until recently. My mind had been dwelling on people from my past and the new future opening ahead and I realized that I have let my grief for the loss of two people I loved color almost all I’ve done since they passed away.

Sure I had expressed that grief, I had given way to sadness, but I had never gained the perspective I needed to take their loss and transform it into a lesson on life and love and how to better live my life. Instead I clung to visions of the past and who they were to me, not who they are to me. I was incapable of thinking about them in the present tense because I harbored confusion and fear and regret and despair in this balled up corner of my mind.

An impenetrable sphere, this tiny pea rotted in my brain until their memory poisoned me and my outlook on daily activities. I didn’t even sense the wilting and decay of their memory it happened so slowly, but now I see that by freezing them in the past they turned my present cold and lonely. I can’t bring them back, but I can let them live on, vibrant and full of color, in my life today.

Two songs helped me bridge this gap, along with the reading from St. Paul and the love and beauty of my new daughter. The songs are below. Also, if any of you want access to the pictures of my daughter, just send me an email or let me know in the comments. I’ll give you access to her snapfish account – I figure this way I can control who sees what of her online at this young stage of her life.
How to Save a Life – The Fray

Lyrics:
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

A Long December – Counting Crows

Lyrics:
A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should

Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should

University Politics…

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Henry Kissinger
US (German-born) diplomat & scholar (1923 - )

Quote Details: Henry Kissinger: University politics are vicious... - The Quotations Page

I subscribe to a quote of the day via Google Reader and this one resonates with me deeply.

The institution I work for is breaching contract with a partner entity and shutting down our entire office. We serve ten thousand or so children, teachers, and parents across the country, providing them with real school improvement and a different way to teach and learn that focuses on the emotional as well as the intellectual.

Yet, that is not noble enough a reason to continue our program through 2010, as agreed upon in contract, but rather due to a whole slew of poor decisions, bad planning, and complete lack of will and effort on the part of some, our hard work comes to an end in 30 or so days.

Why? The program has been labeled as ‘not central to the college’s mission’ and that it would be fiscally ‘irresponsible’ to support such a program in these economic times.

And so we are cast into the breeze and free to flit about aimlessly, the collateral damage of recession, lack of vision, and poor planning.

What irks me is that this is clearly a financial decision. Solely a financial decision I would be willing to bet, particularly given that our office’s goal is to bring the liberal arts mentality into the K-12 school system, something that is directly aligned with the mission of a small liberal arts college.

And the reason for the quote, you ask? The politics and sideways glances surrounding this botched and butchered transition reek of closed door meetings, fear, and a focus on what has always been done, not what could and should be done in the future.

/rant

Technorati Tags: education,courage

The small scroll

I found this in Revelation, 10:9 today:

‘So I went up to the angel and told him to give me the small scroll. He said to me, ‘Take and swallow it. it will turn your stomach sour, but in your mouth it will taste as sweet as honey.’

NOTE: This is a very early sketch at meditation on this subject, so by no means consider this my final view on the subject (I just read the passage over lunch a few minutes ago so this is very much a free-write)

Exegesis tells us that the scroll was bitter sweet because although God’s victory was near at hand, the suffering of his people would be a bitter and trying affair.

Why is that? At what point should we quit resisting suffering and embrace it as a gift? Doesn’t humility require we make that choice? If we accept suffering as inevitable, if we appreciate the opportunities proffered us by the unfair, unjust, abusive, are we more in tune with what it means to be a good person, to live out truth?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as guilty as the next person who gets frustrated and upset and worn down and plain old tired with suffering when it comes my way, but I wonder if that’s my doing, or suffering’s fault?

If a river’s current is carrying me inexorably away, why waste all my energy fighting it? That’s not to say that I lose hope of survival or redemption or justice, but rather that I use my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual strength to maintain hope in the future; that something better is coming.

I suppose some people view swimming against the current as that something better? That as long as they resist they are not conquered by suffering? Some sort of spiritual, ‘it’s better to die standing up than live a lifetime on your knees’ mentality?

At what point does that become prideful, though, the ceaseless battle against your suffering?

I suppose resignation to our fate is a bitter pill in some ways, but does it have to be such a trial? I feel like there’s something more, something missing from the concept that suffering must be bitter by its nature.

Your thoughts?

What makes me happy, redux?

Technorati Tags: Courage,motivation,blogthings

A brief update: Sorry for the delay in posting - I've been busy trying to get a personal web pageup and running to use as an online portfolio (allllmost there) and I've been meeting and gathering application materials for a return to the classroom. Ah, the delightful days of job searching. Yayrecession!

Anyhoo

So, a few intrepid readers asked me what I need to be happy. Sneaky sneaky readers, using myblogthings against me, I'll getses them, my precious!!!!

According to blogthings, I need friends; that I feel lost and not quite right when not surrounded by others.

I do and I don't agree with that generalization. I need friends, it's true, and having gone through the last five or so years with a smaller than average (for me) entourage I have felt at times a little needy, maybe a little isolated. My wife and I needed that time, though. I was dealing with a bunch of things (I still am, but have a better handle on how to deal with them) and she and I worked hard on our marriage, which needed our attention.

The rewards have been great on both fronts - a healthier marriage, a brand-spanking new 8 week old daughter (our first), and greatly improved mental and emotional well-being. And, as she and I have had successes we are beginning to stretch our wings again and find some friends that match our life stage.

So, yes, blogthings was right, sort of, but it was wrong as well. As to what does make me happy - baseball, a well cooked prime rib smothered in au jus, fresh green beans, steamed broccoli, the sweat from a good day working outside, letting loose my uberdork and gaming to no end, kisses from my wife, my daughter's fart-induced smiles, spiritual enlightenment, writing, reading, speaking in fake foreign accents, movies, WWE wrestling (619!!!!!!!!), snuggling with two cats and an afghan crocheted by my Nana, random naps on the couch, bubble baths, the smell of freshly ground coffee beans, the caffeine buzz from said coffee beans, and the smell of a crisp summer night.

What about you? What makes you happy?

Educational Philosophy

I’ve been banging out a new version of my educational philosophy in preparation for interviews and any potential consulting gigs. For the uninitiated, an educator should be able to concisely and concretely summarize what they believe is most important in teaching and learning. Their statement should be theory based and reference classroom practices.

It can be expanded upon in detail in other sections of a professional’s portfolio, but this is the meat, the center of what you do in the classroom. It should be only the best stuff; all the fat trimmed from the meat.

I’d like some feedback from you, if you don’t mind offering it. I’ll paste the first draft of mine below and if you’d offer suggestions and critiques in the comments it would be much appreciated. As a reward, I’ll insert a surreal clip from Pink Floyd’s The Wall, where Pink is reminded of his father’s death, mocked for writing poetry, and then fantasizes about how educational institutions destroy the souls and minds of children, by design.

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Social studies classrooms are supremely situated to study culture, society, history, its leaders and peoples, and the controversial moments of time. As a social studies educator it is my duty to help students ethically and morally apply the lessons of the past to the challenges of today, empowering them to participate fully in America’s democratic society.

As such, I believe:

Ø In critical pedagogy

- that as a participant in the democratic process I am a teacher as learner and my students are learners as teachers, necessitating student centered instruction, assessment, and classroom management

- that schools are not neutral environments, but subject to political and social pressures and expectations, so I must help students gain critical consciousness about the impact on society of their, and others’, decisions

Ø In the inherent, individual nature of each student

- that learning requires assent, desire, action; it is characterized by discovery and surprise (Ayers, 6)

- that differentiated instruction and aligned assessment is the best way to meet not simply academic needs, but the specific needs, demands, hopes, desires, and potential of my students (Ayers, 2)

- that there is no substitute for authentic instruction and assessment to meet the varied learning styles and intelligences of each student

- that arts-based integration motivates students and increases comprehension and understanding regardless of cultural or economic background

Ø In the power of reflection to improve teaching and learning opportunities

- that reflection allows everyone to consciously choose who they are becoming, whether a teacher or a learner

- that the time to take control of my instruction, and my students of their learning, is now; that our growth and development is in our hands

- that I need reflection to best inform and guide my theory based practice

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