Grief

I have been wrestling with a corner of my mind for years, at least four now but maybe more, and the knowledge contained within proved dastardly and fiendishly difficult to comprehend. I would catch glimpses of it, you see, when meditating or writing and  I prayed for wisdom and guidance on a host of related issues without recognizing the connection to this stubborn mental thorn. This mind motivator tinged many of my thoughts and behaviors these last years so subtly and thoroughly that I didn’t recognize the expression or difference.

In 2 Corinthians, 12:7-10  St. Paul says,

Therefore, that I might not become too elated, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated.

Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.

Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

I failed to see this thorn in my side until recently. My mind had been dwelling on people from my past and the new future opening ahead and I realized that I have let my grief for the loss of two people I loved color almost all I’ve done since they passed away.

Sure I had expressed that grief, I had given way to sadness, but I had never gained the perspective I needed to take their loss and transform it into a lesson on life and love and how to better live my life. Instead I clung to visions of the past and who they were to me, not who they are to me. I was incapable of thinking about them in the present tense because I harbored confusion and fear and regret and despair in this balled up corner of my mind.

An impenetrable sphere, this tiny pea rotted in my brain until their memory poisoned me and my outlook on daily activities. I didn’t even sense the wilting and decay of their memory it happened so slowly, but now I see that by freezing them in the past they turned my present cold and lonely. I can’t bring them back, but I can let them live on, vibrant and full of color, in my life today.

Two songs helped me bridge this gap, along with the reading from St. Paul and the love and beauty of my new daughter. The songs are below. Also, if any of you want access to the pictures of my daughter, just send me an email or let me know in the comments. I’ll give you access to her snapfish account – I figure this way I can control who sees what of her online at this young stage of her life.
How to Save a Life – The Fray

Lyrics:
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

A Long December – Counting Crows

Lyrics:
A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should

Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should

I will bury you….

The princess felt the pea through countless mattresses, the Great Wall and the Pyramids reached heights unforeseen on the broken backs of slave labor, but a princess she remained and mighty they still are so does the curse of what lies beneath forever haunt what remains in sight?

Is the princess no less royal for her super-sensitive back and silliness, or the feats of ancient civilizations any less inspired and magnificent because untold numbers died unwillingly in their creation?

I write about the past, fleeting moments made real only by memory, and others read my tales and stories about baggage and trauma and regret and scarred lives, and they  reach out impulsively with sorrowful souls for some kind of emotional connection, but why?

Am I less perfect, less human, in need of more or different mattresses because of what I share? Is my coming into this creation and being present today any less grand because I arrive at the now through a terrible series of moments in my past?

At what point, then, do we forgive ourselves and others for the sins of yesterday(s) and permit them and ourselves to live out the shared miracles of our lives?

If we say, ‘He got what he deserved’ or ‘what she did was unforgiveable’ then do we say the same about ourselves by default?

As I approach next week’s interview I return to my past and the choices I made and those made for me by others and I see now that they matter, and yet that they are irrelevant also. I am now and here, not there and then, and never will I be again at the same point in time in precisely the same way, so I remember the past but only that – I choose to be here not in spite of my past, or because of it, but because I simply am….here. Now.

Related media that inspired this reflection:

Come out come out
No use in hiding
Come now come now
Can you not see?
There's no place here
What were you expecting
Not room for both
Just room for me
So you will lay your arms down
Yes I will call this home


Away away
You have been banished
Your land is gone
And given me
And here I will spread my wings
Yes I will call this home


What's this you say
You feel a right to remain
Then stay and I will bury you
What's that you say
Your father's spirit still lives in this place
I will silence you


Here's the hitch
Your horse is leaving
Don't miss your boat
It's leaving now
And as you go I will spread my wings
Yes I will call this home


I have no time to justify to you
Fool you're blind, move aside for me
All I can say to you my new neighbor
Is you must move on or I will bury you


Now as I rest my feet by this fire
Those hands once warmed here
I have retired them
I can breathe my own air
I can sleep more soundly
Upon these poor souls
I'll build heaven and call it home
'Cause you're all dead now


I live with my justice
I live with my greedy need
I live with no mercy
I live with my frenzied feeding
I live with my hatred
I live with my jealousy
I live with the notion
That I don't need anyone but me


Don't drink the water
Don't drink the water
There's blood in the water
Don't drink the water

Technorati Tags: Courage,reflection,inspiration

Life update

It’s been some time since I’ve posted, not out of an intent to ignore my readers (what few must remain!) or this journal, but only because I’ve been both busy and feeling a tad vulnerable.

The past month has seen my daughter baptized (and what a fiasco the was having so many people over – the gifts she received just about covered the cost of tossing a weekend long party for twenty people), my job transitioning to the west coast, without me, and then of course the whole falling down the stairs, laid up, physical therapy thing (maybe a week left of that?).

Toss in a job search in the middle of the worst recession since the Great Depression and the stress has been interesting.

It’s not that I’m feeling over-burdened (I’m not), but more scared that there is some other celestial boot anticipating my next move and gleefully preparing to clobber me about the head. Fear? Quite probably. Self-doubt? There is some present. I think though that my lack of writing really comes down to feeling vulnerable.

When I write I open my heart and mind to try and create powerful words that have meaning and impact, purpose and resonance, and accessing those parts of my mind and soul can sometimes be dangerous. I don’t always like laying everything out here for people to see, and while that was the whole point of starting Courage I am feeling reluctant to do so now. Maybe it’s the whole primal John Wayne-father syndrome (MUST BE STRONG FOR FAMILY, GROK!), I don’t know, but this entry is a step in confronting it.

And no, this wasn’t a planned entry, and I didn’t proof read – stream of consciousness, baby! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, as Ric Flair says!

Technorati Tags: Courage,reflection

High Hopes

What motivates us to trod the same road so many times, or even more central to the question, why do we think a different approach or a change in life situation will lead us to a new and improved solution to our problems?
Unless we embrace true conversion of heart how we move forward, why we move forward (should we move forward) means little in that we covertly desire a return to what we know and what is familiar.
Pathways to the familiar are too easy to find if we don’t struggle to re-evaluate why we want to reach a particular destination and what we hope to achieve by arriving in a worn out state.
I’m reminded of the video High Hopes by Pink Floyd. Video and links below.

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun
Along the long road and on down to the causeway
Do they still LIVE there by the cut
There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder
Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed up world
****
Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river
Forever and ever

Technorati Tags: inspiration,courage,meditation

What is courage?

Every now and then I stumble upon entries from other blogs, or words of wisdom shared in conversation, or inspiration from some other source, that help me define what courage is. 

If you go back through the years of entries in this blog (and if you're ambitious its 3,000 + comments) you'll see I try to define courage often, inspire it in others, reflect on it, increase it in my daily practice, and otherwise search for a greater meaning behind the word. 

I have some inklings in my brain as to why I am fascinated with this word and its meaning (though I've never been brave enough to definitively state my motivations) but I did find a passage the other night in 1 John, 5:18 that struck me with its clarity and purpose.

So if our question is 'what is courage?,' here is John's response:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.

What is courage then? Perfect love. 

What a brilliantly phrased definition. I am fascinated by the implications for how we love as humans if  you reflect on the idea of perfect love. Are we talking about agape? Eros? A form of Philia? Storge? In all these ways of loving a perfect love can exist, without fear of punishment, free to soar with the greatest intentions and celebrate the highest values, creating in all those it touches true courage to live a bold life of peace and harmony.

When we say with sincerity, 'I wish for peace,' or 'I'll think of you often,' or 'I'll pray for  you,' are we truly saying, 'I love you?'

In this sense, courage has little to do with actual fear. The idea that courage is not the absence of fear but doing the right thing even when afraid is perhaps better understood as a measure of conviction, not courage? For if we possess the greatest conviction in a scenario where others may feel fear, then we will not fear. In that instance it remains possible for us to love perfectly. If our conviction falters some so that fear creeps into our hearts and doubt into our minds, then even if we do our duty or perform our task, we do so without full conviction, but rather with enough conviction. And so while in that moment we may be capable of love, we are not capable of perfect love.

Share your thoughts or ideas, please!