A silent reminder

There is an email in my inbox, now near to the bottom, from my mother. I don't know how to answer her message. Before the holidays, when I revealed my post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, etc., to them, the response invalidated my own statements.

While I know their fear and distrust yields this behavior, my mother continues to pressure me.

And so I try to ignore her message. But it sits, seething in my inbox. The sight of her name, all in lower-case, starts to send fear into my heart. What to say next? Why even say anything? Is there a point to it?

I can feel my fear and hurt rising, and then, if I stew long enough, my anger boils over.

I saw this today, in James 1: 19-27:

Know this, my dear brothers and sisters:
everyone should be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger
for anger does not accomplish
the righteousness of God.
Therefore, put away all filth and evil excess
and humbly welcome the word that has been planted in you
and is able to save your souls.

I have a choice. I will reply to her within a week, and I will put away my anger and resentment. I will respond with respect, humility, and truth.

I do not need to be manipulated by invisible demons and size 12 arial font.

I wonder how frequently we temper our wills to be better people. I do not think we can do that alone; our will is too weak. We need the help and love of others, and in faith we can find peace and happiness. I say strive for wisdom and patience and walk with others on their journey and we will all benefit!

Do still not understand?

It has been  a stressful morning here at work. Our office is terribly behind its fundraising goal, and increasing pressure from more carnivorous animals on the food chain to pick up the pace.

I do not want to be the gazelle that lags behind.

Tedious meetings about our new web page as well, its soft launch, hard launch, and content management system. I am slightly miffed that we were told to hold for months, and now we are rushed to conclusion.

~~~

There are times I feel dim-. The struggle to do right is near impossible sometimes. There is confusion, misdirection and fear driving us to false conclusions and poor decisions. I think in these tiresome times we lose sight of the forest through the trees. Mark says, in 8:14-21:

The disciples had forgotten to bring bread, and they had only one loaf with them in the boat. Jesus enjoined them, "Watch out, guard against the leaven of the Pharisees and the leaven of Herod." They concluded among themselves that it was because they had no bread. When he became aware of this he said to them, "Why do you conclude that it is because you have no bread? Do you not yet understand or comprehend? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes and not see, ears and not hear? And do you not remember, when I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many wicker baskets full of fragments you picked up?" They answered him, "Twelve." "When I broke the seven loaves for the four thousand, how many full baskets of fragments did you pick up?" They answered, "Seven." He said to them, "Do you still not understand?"

Sometimes I don't understand, I think. My tiny mind is only capable of so much, and let's be honest - when faced with accepting difficult truths, it's a heckuva lot easier to look for the obvious logical answer, than the one harder to perceive. So many of us are so afraid, of so many things, real and imagined. We must see that we will always be provided for if we listen to the right people, live justly, strive for honesty and morality. We do not need to be afraid.

Today's word of the day and quote come from myCatholic.org:

fallacy (noun)
an error in fact or logic
~~
The proof of love is in the works. Where love exists, it works great things. But when it ceases to act, it ceases to exist.
– Pope St. Gregory the Great

An Apology

Dear Friends,

I am sorry. Many readers and friends have long expressed their concern over my health and well-being, and I know many have kept me in their prayers during my unexplained silence. For that I am grateful.

I know that much of my emerging now from a long and trying winter is due not just to their prayers, but also their persistence. In one hand I come with apologies, and in the other I come with thanks.

I have decided to resume posting and an online presence because, most of all, to be loved is to love. So many have reached out to support me and I chose to ignore and resist their kindness and comforts. I have too much pride. I am too selfish, at times.

I will endeavor to be a better friend. I have no excuse for letting my pride separate me from those most supportive of, and worried about, me.  

In hope of offering some recounting of my story these many months, I will say only that I entered a long depression after the New Year. During this time I lost the support of my family, what little number of them attempted to understand my illness. That rejection lays heavy on my heart even  now, and my response up until now consisted of flight and fear. I hid from every setting that reminded me of my struggle - this journal, my faith, my group and even my therapist. The resulting stress on my physical, emotional and mental health has been my own doing, and its significance is my own fault.

I have learned my lesson and apologize sincerely. I hope to make amends to each of you. To those who have left this small space, or those who do not return, I wish I could offer some consolation. I wish you all well.

As for my return, I ask only a favor - if you are willing to have your journal posted in my links, please leave a comment with a link. I will update that list and pare down those that have left during my chosen absence.

It is good to be here.

In faith and sincere apology, I remain, in hope and good will, your friend,

Charley 

The Friday Five! Late New Years Style!

In the spirit of still recovering from everything New Years (as in I've got a thousand things to do at work!) I present the Courage Friday Five Belated New Year's Edition!

This fabulous five finds freedom, fortunately (how about THAT alliteration!), after a week's vacation in my mailbox. Our provider today is Amanda, of HEY I'M COUNTRY and Journal's Editor fame! Stop over, thank her, and give her some love!

SCREEECH!

Hold up! I forgot to promote the first player of last week's (ok, ok, two weeks ago!) Friday Five! While our first comment was from Gabreael, of Gabreael's Body, Mind, and Spirit, the first player last time through was the wonderful Laura! One of the first people I encountered in J-Land (Laura is now an AOL refugee in one of the many blogspot camps that dot our borders), Laura is kind, compassionate, caring and always much fun! She's patient and determined and her laughs, loves, sorrows and triumphs will make you wish YOU were a part of her family! Leaving AOL after the ad scandal, Laura has not left our community. She is a fabulous person! Check her out!

Now, for those of you that haven't played before, all you have to do is answer the five in the comments below or in your own journal (but don't forget to link back here!). The first player of the week will have her or his journal promoted next week!  Also, we always accept questions or themes from our players! Enjoy!

~~

1. What is your most memorable New Year's Eve experience?

A tough question. I haven't done anything particularly stupid on New Year's Eve, so that's a good thing, but let's go with the last six years, shall we? Every year, Jillian and I travel to be with friends of ours for New Year's Eve. We spend that time together and then, on New Year's Day, we gather with their parents, friends and family for a delightful New Year's Day dinner, complete with pork and sauerkraut!

Then, after dinner, the real festivities begin. It is the annual boys vs. girls Trivial Pursuit World Championships! Going into this year's game, boys were down 3-2, but came back to win game six (can you believe we've done this six year's now?!?!) and force a game seven next year! We are a dynasty, baby! Yeah!

2. What is your most embarrassing New Year's Eve experience?

How about when I laid down on the roll away bed and it went crashing to the floor because I'm such a fatty? :)

3. What is the most ridiculous New Year's resolution you have ever tried to make?

No cursing. Please. F that!

4. If you could make a New Year's resolution for anyone who and what would it be?

Pat Robertson - that he would think before he spoke.

5. What are your plans this New Years?

See number one :). It went off beautifully, and thankfully I didn't have a repeat of last year's living hell with my parents!

~~

Enjoy!

Ambien Zoloft Days

Furious yawns
and the gnawing tension of
rigorous deadlines

Written off for lack of sunshine.

No escape from
this common pestilence of
golden ring fatigue

And ambien zoloft days.

The Wednesday Reflection

Good morning folks! It's time for our Wednesday reflection! For those of you not familiar with this tradition, you can supply a quote, passage, reading, etc., and we reflect on it in our journals (with a link back to this post), or directly below in the comments. Today's reflection is on the following quote:

Nature does not bestow virtue; to be good is an art.
     Seneca (B.C. 3-65 A.D.)
     Roman Philosopher, Dramatist, and Statesman

So are we innately good or bad? Do we have a tendency to do good or evil? I agree with Seneca in that it takes hard work for us to stay good, and to be good every day, but I'm not so sure that we find ourselves inclined one way over the other by nature. I do believe that our world is disordered due to our own sinfulness, and that we are born into a state of sin by nature of our humanity, but I also believe we all have the capability to be good if we so choose.

What do you think? Let us know!

Bend over - it's time for your monthly checkup!

Well folks, I seem to have lost all the ground I made in November with this journal. If you remember, at the end of November, my journal rang in at a nice $47,000 and change. Unfortunately, it appears that with the great exodus (because it's clearly NOT my writing), my journal has depreciated in value to exactly its October level of:

My blog is worth $34,436.94.
How much is your blog worth?

How have you done? Gone up? Down? Please tell me that I'm not the only one to lose value!!!