High Hopes

What motivates us to trod the same road so many times, or even more central to the question, why do we think a different approach or a change in life situation will lead us to a new and improved solution to our problems?
Unless we embrace true conversion of heart how we move forward, why we move forward (should we move forward) means little in that we covertly desire a return to what we know and what is familiar.
Pathways to the familiar are too easy to find if we don’t struggle to re-evaluate why we want to reach a particular destination and what we hope to achieve by arriving in a worn out state.
I’m reminded of the video High Hopes by Pink Floyd. Video and links below.

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun
Along the long road and on down to the causeway
Do they still LIVE there by the cut
There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder
Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed up world
****
Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river
Forever and ever

Technorati Tags: inspiration,courage,meditation

One of these days, Alice……

It’s been some time since I’ve updated, so forgive the brevity of this morning’s post.
First, though, I wonder – why is it that I have a compulsive need to shake any beverage that comes in a 1/2 gallon container before I pour? Example – I don’t shake 1 gallon containers of milk before I pour, so why shake the 1/2 gallon?
Second, my back has kept me distracted these last few weeks, enough that I’ve not had much energy to reflect daily and pour those words onto page. It’s not terribly painful day-in and day-out (though there are days and times throughout most days where it’s a 7 or 8 on the pain scale) , but it’s just draining enough that I’m exhausted by the end of the day and too eager to pack it in and get sleep rather than reflect on a reading or passage or meditation.
I call my back a distraction because the majority of my time has been with Madison, which is such a glorious and unrivaled gift. I spent most of last week recovering from her Baptism the previous weekend, and the previous week preparing for said sacrament and the great influx of family and friends into town.
The benefit of big life events when you live a good ways away from everyone? Friends and family feel obligated to make the trip because they see you too infrequently as it is. The trial of big life events when you live a good ways away from everyone? They expect a LOT and eat you out of house and home, thinking (rightly in most cases!) that traveling so far justifies entertainment. Besides, they are there for a three month old, not my wife and me!
Third, the job search is time consuming. There are 501 school districts in Pennsylvania and many are a bit byzantine in how they approach the application process, so it can be trying to identify openings and prepare the required credentials packets. Not to mention that there really isn’t a central online repository for a digital database – there are several and many districts use one or another exclusively. It’s a trial.
I’ve had a few nibbles on the job search front, but getting back into the classroom is difficult. Most districts take new teachers, not ones that are veterans and have moved around in the field for various reasons, so their application process is geared toward the younger unseasoned crowd. I’ll find something, though – just have to keep plugging away!
So I hope you’re well, everyone, and as I get a bit more time and a bit more energy (or better figure out how to manage the energy I have) I’ll keep posting.
And I guess this wasn’t so short a post after all!

Technorati Tags: courage,life,job search

University Politics…

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Henry Kissinger
US (German-born) diplomat & scholar (1923 - )

Quote Details: Henry Kissinger: University politics are vicious... - The Quotations Page

I subscribe to a quote of the day via Google Reader and this one resonates with me deeply.

The institution I work for is breaching contract with a partner entity and shutting down our entire office. We serve ten thousand or so children, teachers, and parents across the country, providing them with real school improvement and a different way to teach and learn that focuses on the emotional as well as the intellectual.

Yet, that is not noble enough a reason to continue our program through 2010, as agreed upon in contract, but rather due to a whole slew of poor decisions, bad planning, and complete lack of will and effort on the part of some, our hard work comes to an end in 30 or so days.

Why? The program has been labeled as ‘not central to the college’s mission’ and that it would be fiscally ‘irresponsible’ to support such a program in these economic times.

And so we are cast into the breeze and free to flit about aimlessly, the collateral damage of recession, lack of vision, and poor planning.

What irks me is that this is clearly a financial decision. Solely a financial decision I would be willing to bet, particularly given that our office’s goal is to bring the liberal arts mentality into the K-12 school system, something that is directly aligned with the mission of a small liberal arts college.

And the reason for the quote, you ask? The politics and sideways glances surrounding this botched and butchered transition reek of closed door meetings, fear, and a focus on what has always been done, not what could and should be done in the future.

/rant

Technorati Tags: education,courage

Health Update

Hi all; after a particularly lousy night’s sleep Thursday I succumbed to my wife’s urgings and went to the doctor. I’ll get to that fun time in a moment. I have a wicked awesome lumbar sprain and a cocktail of drugs to treat said sprain that is strong enough to sedate Mine That Bird.

A muscle relaxer to curb the spasms that I had from my bum to my head (which was a particularly weird sensation), vicodin for the pain, and prescription strength ibuprofen as an anti-inflammatory.

I also had the fun of nine x-rays and scheduling 21 physical therapy appointments. AWESOME!!!

What does all this mean, loyal readers? Why, that when I do post entries I’m likely to spell every other word wrong and generally ramble on and on and on without getting to any substantial point. It’s not my fault, though – it’s the pills!

As for the Doctor, there I am, sitting in the examination room with him and he asks me what I have been doing to manage my pain thus far. I decided to be honest and tell him I’d been popping motrin like they were skittles (taste the rainbow) – and his response? He scolds me for taking more than I should have been taking. Did I need a scolding? Not right then I didn’t. Maybe he missed the tears in my eyes caused by all the pain, or how shallow my breath was because the muscles around my lungs were tightening up into my back, or maybe he overlooked how I couldn’t even stand or sit properly without grimacing.

Granted, he may have been having a bad day, but how about a little empathy pal – do you *really* think I wanted to fall down the stairs with my two month old child? Or how about this doozy – he asked me, ‘so just how many stairs did you fall down?’

Oh, right – so sorry, Doctor, I guess I failed to count them on the way down WHILE HOLDING MY CHILD TO PROTECT HER AS BEST I COULD! So I gave what I thought was a good approximation – 15 to 20, whatever is between one floor and the next.

And he retorts with, ‘There are usually only 13 steps per floor.’ If you KNOW that already, just put that down, dammit! Get to writing the prescription so I can maybe wipe my bunghole without groaning all the while!

Yarb!

So, from sunny Pennsylvania, I and my new best friend, Mr. Heating Pad, wish you nothing but good fortune!

Technorati Tags: Courage,blogging

Quick update

I’m not ignoring this blog – forgive me for not writing this last week. I’ve been busy making the transition from a last week of busy busy work and four weeks of parental leave. I am trying to get as much time in with Madison as I can before they lay me off at the end of June. So, long story short, most of everything I had to accomplish by the end of June had to be finished by last Friday.

Add to that a nasty fall down the stairs here at home and the resulting aches, pains, bruises, and sore ego, and I’ve been more prone to pill popping than blogging; Motrin is my friend.

I’ll be back as soon as Madison and I figure out a schedule together and I master the best time to write on here without missing stuff around the house or with the little Peach (what my wife and I have taken to calling her).  Well, we also call her Peachkins Jones, which is a pseudo Psych reference (the TV show on USA). If you watch Psych you’ll know that James Roday’s character, Shawn, always introduces his partner, Gus, played by the super versatile Dule Hill, with wacky aliases like, Ovaltine Jenkins, Lavender Gooms, Schmuel Cohen, Longbranch Pennywhistle, Scrooge Jones, and so on. As great fans of the show, Madison somehow became Peachkins Jones.

Anyhoo, I’m off to go make nice to the Motrin. Ciao for now.

Technorati Tags: Courage,blogging

The small scroll

I found this in Revelation, 10:9 today:

‘So I went up to the angel and told him to give me the small scroll. He said to me, ‘Take and swallow it. it will turn your stomach sour, but in your mouth it will taste as sweet as honey.’

NOTE: This is a very early sketch at meditation on this subject, so by no means consider this my final view on the subject (I just read the passage over lunch a few minutes ago so this is very much a free-write)

Exegesis tells us that the scroll was bitter sweet because although God’s victory was near at hand, the suffering of his people would be a bitter and trying affair.

Why is that? At what point should we quit resisting suffering and embrace it as a gift? Doesn’t humility require we make that choice? If we accept suffering as inevitable, if we appreciate the opportunities proffered us by the unfair, unjust, abusive, are we more in tune with what it means to be a good person, to live out truth?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as guilty as the next person who gets frustrated and upset and worn down and plain old tired with suffering when it comes my way, but I wonder if that’s my doing, or suffering’s fault?

If a river’s current is carrying me inexorably away, why waste all my energy fighting it? That’s not to say that I lose hope of survival or redemption or justice, but rather that I use my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual strength to maintain hope in the future; that something better is coming.

I suppose some people view swimming against the current as that something better? That as long as they resist they are not conquered by suffering? Some sort of spiritual, ‘it’s better to die standing up than live a lifetime on your knees’ mentality?

At what point does that become prideful, though, the ceaseless battle against your suffering?

I suppose resignation to our fate is a bitter pill in some ways, but does it have to be such a trial? I feel like there’s something more, something missing from the concept that suffering must be bitter by its nature.

Your thoughts?

What makes me happy, redux?

Technorati Tags: Courage,motivation,blogthings

A brief update: Sorry for the delay in posting - I've been busy trying to get a personal web pageup and running to use as an online portfolio (allllmost there) and I've been meeting and gathering application materials for a return to the classroom. Ah, the delightful days of job searching. Yayrecession!

Anyhoo

So, a few intrepid readers asked me what I need to be happy. Sneaky sneaky readers, using myblogthings against me, I'll getses them, my precious!!!!

According to blogthings, I need friends; that I feel lost and not quite right when not surrounded by others.

I do and I don't agree with that generalization. I need friends, it's true, and having gone through the last five or so years with a smaller than average (for me) entourage I have felt at times a little needy, maybe a little isolated. My wife and I needed that time, though. I was dealing with a bunch of things (I still am, but have a better handle on how to deal with them) and she and I worked hard on our marriage, which needed our attention.

The rewards have been great on both fronts - a healthier marriage, a brand-spanking new 8 week old daughter (our first), and greatly improved mental and emotional well-being. And, as she and I have had successes we are beginning to stretch our wings again and find some friends that match our life stage.

So, yes, blogthings was right, sort of, but it was wrong as well. As to what does make me happy - baseball, a well cooked prime rib smothered in au jus, fresh green beans, steamed broccoli, the sweat from a good day working outside, letting loose my uberdork and gaming to no end, kisses from my wife, my daughter's fart-induced smiles, spiritual enlightenment, writing, reading, speaking in fake foreign accents, movies, WWE wrestling (619!!!!!!!!), snuggling with two cats and an afghan crocheted by my Nana, random naps on the couch, bubble baths, the smell of freshly ground coffee beans, the caffeine buzz from said coffee beans, and the smell of a crisp summer night.

What about you? What makes you happy?