Sunday, August 16, 2009

Grief

I have been wrestling with a corner of my mind for years, at least four now but maybe more, and the knowledge contained within proved dastardly and fiendishly difficult to comprehend. I would catch glimpses of it, you see, when meditating or writing and  I prayed for wisdom and guidance on a host of related issues without recognizing the connection to this stubborn mental thorn. This mind motivator tinged many of my thoughts and behaviors these last years so subtly and thoroughly that I didn’t recognize the expression or difference.

In 2 Corinthians, 12:7-10  St. Paul says,

Therefore, that I might not become too elated, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated.
Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.
Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
I failed to see this thorn in my side until recently. My mind had been dwelling on people from my past and the new future opening ahead and I realized that I have let my grief for the loss of two people I loved color almost all I’ve done since they passed away.

Sure I had expressed that grief, I had given way to sadness, but I had never gained the perspective I needed to take their loss and transform it into a lesson on life and love and how to better live my life. Instead I clung to visions of the past and who they were to me, not who they are to me. I was incapable of thinking about them in the present tense because I harbored confusion and fear and regret and despair in this balled up corner of my mind.

An impenetrable sphere, this tiny pea rotted in my brain until their memory poisoned me and my outlook on daily activities. I didn’t even sense the wilting and decay of their memory it happened so slowly, but now I see that by freezing them in the past they turned my present cold and lonely. I can’t bring them back, but I can let them live on, vibrant and full of color, in my life today.

Two songs helped me bridge this gap, along with the reading from St. Paul and the love and beauty of my new daughter. The songs are below. Also, if any of you want access to the pictures of my daughter, just send me an email or let me know in the comments. I’ll give you access to her snapfish account – I figure this way I can control who sees what of her online at this young stage of her life.
How to Save a Life – The Fray
Lyrics:
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

A Long December – Counting Crows
Lyrics:
A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should

Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should

Monday, August 10, 2009

Fantastic News

I know that I’ve been gone for some time but the last few weeks have been particularly challenging in very good ways. First, my time at home with Madison is rapidly coming to an end and I try to spend as much time with her as possible, which of course negates my ability to meditate/write on Courage. In just a few weeks Madison will be headed off to school at a fabulous day care that meets this educator’s demanding and unfortunately knowledgeable requirements. The fact that I have to now open a sweat shop full of illegal immigrants to make cheap clothing that I then sell to Wal-Mart in order to afford this school is irrelevant – anything for the baby!

Second, I am pleased to announce that I have a job! I have kept quiet about this for a week or so (a little more from the initial ‘offer’ from the Assistant Superintendent, but only a week from the date of the actual approval by the school board) to rest and relax and take in some much needed success and ego-stroking.
Let me say though, right off, thank you to everyone that has given words of encouragement, prayers, positive thoughts and otherwise kept me from banging my head against the wall. You all played instrumental roles in keeping me motivated to find a position. I’ll be teaching 9th grade civics at a school district in rural York County. This school has the nicest staff and administrators of all I interviewed with and I feel lucky to be a part of their team. They make tremendous progress and do so very much for the children on a rather limited budget (note the rural).

Part of this last week saw me spending two days on a high ropes and low ropes adventure course working with the incoming 9th graders in their transition program from middle to high school. I had a great time meeting staff and students alike and enjoyed floundering in a harness 100 feet off the ground in front of my future charges and colleagues! Don’t ask me about the bruises on both biceps, my hips, legs and bum, and don’t inquire about the many blisters on my hands!

So, all in all, things are looking up! Now it is just a matter of balancing Madison, preparation for school, and other requirements. I shall start commenting on your blogs soon!

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