Wednesday, June 8, 2005

Confused and Happy

I feel strange, today. I thought much about this past weekend, have talked much with Jillian about our behavior, and today saw my therapist where we discussed this weekend (amongst the other hair-raising adventures of my life) and coming out of it I am both scared and hopeful.

I fear that I will become more and more like my mother as I fight to fix what she did to me as a child and young adult. I am hopeful that by confronting all that is broken within me that I will become whole and happy. It is a strange sensation. Of course that could be the klonopin I take after therapy to lessen my anxiety, and not any fantastic revelation about life.

I said morning prayer today, before getting out of bed. That's an abnormality for me - I usually say it at work - and I feel really good about starting my day that way. There is something comforting in opening the day and morning with God. In reading from the old testament last night, specifically Joshua leading the Israelites into the promised land, I came accross a line that truly resonated within me: Be firm and Steadfast.

That is what we are called to be at all times - to be firm and steadfast in what we believe. Fear and doubt are poison designed to drive us from our convictions and what we know to be morally right and true. Fear and doubt lead us to betray our conscience and take an easier road, even if it is one we wish not to tread. So today, coming off therapy, I say, "be firm and steadfast."

My journal jar answer:
#61: How do you feel about death? What is your philosophy of the "after life?" Well, at the moment death scares the crap out of me. I fear that I am too much like the rich man that approached Jesus and said, "Teacher, what good must I do to gain eternal life?" When Jesus tells him about the commandments, and to follow them, the man says, "All of these I have observed. What do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions. I fear that I am that man, and I do not want to die until I do all I am called to do for God. I believe in Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory - I'm a good Catholic - and I believe that God's mercy is great and that none of us have the right to judge others regarding the status of their soul upon death. Our fate after death is a matter between ourselves and God only - not each other.

I invite discussion with those that believe differently than I, on any of the above statements. I'm interested in hearing other ideas and beliefs - not to persecute but to listen, analyze, and become informed.