Tuesday, June 14, 2005


Well, it is lunchtime here at the College, and I have taken it upon myself to spend it updating my journal and pray a bit to recharge my batteries.

For some reason, my thoughts are troubled today. I do not want to be melodramatic and claim some foreboding sense of doom, but I feel bothered. Perhaps it is my overwhelming project list , or maybe it is the endless stream of bills in my mailbox, but really, I think it has to do with two things: Father's Day and an acquaintance of mine.

For those of you not in the know, I talked last with my parents and on New Year's Day. When I have the courage myself, I will post the full story, but for now let us simply say that both Mother's Day and Father's Day have been bad for my anxiety levels.

As for this acquaintance of mine, it is a strange predicament. I would very much like to become good friends with her - she is funny, bright, intelligent, and we share common interests. She would be a good person to know as a friend, but alas, I fear she does not wish the same from me - or at least I think, as she has not returned my latest email. Perhaps it is simply my paranoia (definitely!), or my anxiety (definitely!), but I feel a bit rejected, and nobody I know likes that feeling.

Last night I read out of Joshua and I feel a bit like Achan (see Joshua 7). Maybe my greed to have a new friend blinded me and made me seem too much like a stalker? Either way, the message I took from Achan's story is that when we know the will of God and we turn against the Lord, we take the great risk of imperiling our soul and risking eternal damnation. The Israelites stoned Achan to death. With the new covenant through Christ, we have forgiveness of sins, and I hope to find the humility to ask for that forgiveness when I do turn away from God and become too greedy.


Journal Jar: What do I remember most about being a teenager?

This is a difficult question for me to answer. I am afraid to reveal much about my past, even to people in J-land. I hesitate because discussing all that happened makes it real, not just to those that experienced it, but to everyone else that reads this journal. Let me simply say my teenage years reverberate in my soul with the pain inflicted upon me by others intimately close to me.